Lovers

Ch 7: Dark Paradise

All my friends tell me I should move on. I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song. Ah, that's how you sing it. Loving you forever, can't be wrong. Even though you're not here, won't move on. Ah, that's how we play it/ And there's no remedy for memory your face. Is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is hunting me and telling me. That everything is fine, but I wish I was dead.

Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey

-

It was only last night, but I can still feel Jake between my legs. His curls rubbing each of my thighs like feathers from an old pillowcase. I've never had one of those, but they're nostalgic like his tongue-- Familiar and warm.  And yet I feel dirty. I hooked up with Jake even when I promised myself that this is the end. Somehow I still don't believe I'm being honest with myself. He's been right all along. I'm not denying I love him, but our physical attraction is strong enough to be each other mouths in a matter of days since being in the same city.

I get that feeling in between my legs when I just think of his name, bold letters in my head. It's 7:00 am in the morning, and I've thrown up at least 3 times during the night, brushing my teeth in between each break. Partially because of the alcohol and because of what I did last night— or more so what Jake did to me. Shameful. That's a word. A word that describes my very mood. The worst part about it, is I let him back between my legs without a struggle, without a no or get out. I let him do what he wanted with my body and left, and it didn't even benefit him in the least.

Benefits. We were just benefits before everything got complicated. Until I told him how I felt and he dismissed me. It didn't last long though. He told me how he felt and then that was that. We were in love long before either of us actually knew what love meant. But it all started with lust, and the lust mixed with our love, and it's too tangled to loosen.

It has to though.

I contemplate if I should go through with it, but my fingers reach the button before I could think of another reason not to call him.

"Hello?" His voice is groggy, but I can understand him.

"What happened yesterday can't happen again," I say immediately.

It takes him a second to answer for whatever reason before I hear his chuckles. He doesn't take me seriously, I wouldn't either if I were him.

"I mean it, Jake."

"You didn't have to call to tell me that. You could have lived the rest of your life never speaking to me again, and yet you decided it's best to call me. To make an excuse to hear my voice in the morning."

I feel my cheeks warm, and I hate that it's not because I'm angry with his insinuation. His voice is raw and scratchy in the morning, and apart of me believes him. The only reason I called him was because of this very reason, but I know he's playing with me.

"I'll see you around, Dawn." He says, and I regret calling him when I realize this call was wasted and only filled with more longing on my side.

I don't respond, but given my silence, he ends the call. 

I need to get out of the house. It doesn't take long for me to get out of bed. A hot shower and some clean clothes call my name. 

I still don't feel clean. It's like I can still feel him. His tongue. In my mouth, in my..

I brush my teeth twice, but the toothpaste only reminds me more of him. He always carries gum everywhere, and yesterday he must have chewed two or more pieces of it.