My fucking diary

I can't take it any longer

Lately, my insomnia growing worse and worse. My parents know about this, and I've been redirect at the sleep clinic. My mom send a mail, like 5 months ago, and still doesn't have any answers. And you know what ? She doesn't do a thing for that. But, like I said, my insomnia are worse than ever. It drive me crazy !
Beside that, I feel extremely jealous about a friend and a stranger going to my crush's house for the weekend. And that too drive me crazy. My bones pain drive me crazy. All of my thoughts drive me crazy. The words of my family drive me crazy. The way I'm not good enough for any of my friends drive me crazy.
I. Really. Can't. Take. It. Anymore.
I have to do something, but, I can't see my psychiatrist or my psychiatry's nurse anymore 'cause I'm not in the same city anymore. I tried to have a therapist on the net, but it cost too much for me, I don't know any good address for a good psy-doctor in the city I'm now. And I can't tell to my parents because I know they'll just don't do a thing for me. I still have my friends (fortunately for me) but I can't just talk to them about all my problems because I know they have their as well. And I can't depend on them.
The only thing I can do is writing this diary and stay in my silent pain for now.
I know my friends will listen to me and give me some advice, but I just don't want to bother them with my silly things.
And I have so much to think too. I'll start my college again, I have to find an apartment, a job, I have to study, have my year, have to turn the page 'bout my past and my harassment, take care of my health problem, fight against my headaches, trying to sleep, trying to be as ecologist I can, save money, be polite, don't have an access of rage, forgive people, forget my bones and mind pain, fix my heart, trying to take away my acrophobia and all my insecurities. It's just too much for me. I'm a weak person, who just can't take all of this stress.
Is there anyone on this planet who can help me ? Well, I don't think so.
Even if this person exists, why they would care about me ? I'm just an insecure girl who's drowning in her thoughts. There's plenty like me.
...
I honestly want to give up. I really can't take it anymore. I don't say it because I don't want my friends worries about me, but I know they see it. But... I just can't... How could I ? They already have a lot to think too, so... I'll be a burden for them...

How can I get out of all this shit ?
I want to sleep for ever
I want to destroy everything who keep me in pain
I want to be free
I want to be happy
How can I get this right ?

Why my life keep being so hard for me ? I thought it will be different after high school... But it's at the limit to be worse...
I'm just a little human... I can take so much, yes, but it's until I have enough. I know one day I'll just explode, and this day, I'm afraid it will be too late for me... I... I just want a little rest... I had enough pain and tiredness for now....

I'm so anxious... I'm so hurt...