My fucking diary

Will it stop one day ?

Hey, hum...

I wanted to write about something good. Something cheerful. I wanted to write about my crush and how she's one of the most beautiful women I ever seen in my whole life. I wanted to write about the fact I've got a new apartment in the town where my school is. At how my friends are the bests.. I wanted to write something positive. I swear it.

But...

This morning, one of my teachers humiliated me, in front of 300 people.
Well, yes I wasn't paying attention at his class, but I didn't disturb it. I was reading, in silence, without talking with my friends or anyone else. I even listened to him sometimes. But, he started to telling me to not read in his class, that I have to pay attention, and from where he was, he can see me very well, that it was bullshit to read mangas unconnected with the class, that I should be ashamed of it. And he did this for almost 5 minutes. It's not very long but, when the eyes of 300 people where on you, and most of them was laughing on you, I swear, it's long. It's very long. I was nervously laughing, but soon my laughing was crying. I buried my head in my arms, to cry in peace. Only the girl who was sitting beside me, at my left (it's my crush by the way), notice it. She's a very sensitive girl. And seeing me like this, she's almost cry too.
And if it was just that, just the 5 minutes, I wouldn't say much. But, at the bottom of the amphi, there was a group of students who was almost screaming, and laughing hard. Those people disturbed the whole class, but my teacher didn't say anything to them. Like it was normal to talk at loud and laughing like their was alone, but it wasn't normal to read a book in silence without annoyed anyone.

If I don't want to pay attention at his class and don't have my year, it's my problem. If I don't distract his class, I don't see where is his problem.

I lived plenty of public humiliation before, in my life, but, I was hoping that in college it will stop. Fifteen years of bullies and humiliation, and just four years without, before having a new one. It reminds me all of the bullies I suffered in my whole life. Just one sentence, to drowned me again in this pain. Just one person. Juste one teacher.

My friends was totally mad at him. They don't want to go to his class next week, and honestly, I don't think I have the bravery and the strength to go at any of his future class. I can't face him anymore. I'll always remember what he did to me.

I reall can't support the feelings of being ashamed by someone anymore. He took my pride and my humanity. I can't forgive him for that.

I'm not a piece of meat. I'm a human whit feelings, opinions, with a past and a story. And unfortunately, this is a sad past and a tragic story. He don't seems to understand it. If I would be in a worse mental health maybe I would commit suicide tonight.
But I'm sufficiently strong for not doing it. Plus, I have friends that I don't want to be sad because of my death. So I wouldn't do this.

But what if I did it ? What's trough he's would have ?