Agent Orange - Inconsequential

Episode 14 - DORK (again)

CHAPTER 10

Mike: I want to do that slide-down-the-ladder thing that they always do in the movies.

Alan: So you want to slide down the ladder into the army of orcs?

Brandon: I’m not going down there.

Mike: That’s because you’re a pussy.

Orange: Or because he’s smart.

Mike: I’ve never read a book where the hero was a smart pussy.

Orange: Sounds like someone should write one.

Alan: Okay, are you really going “slide” down the ladder?

Mike: Yep.

Alan: Make a dexterity check.

Mike: Shit, seven, wait I get plus two for my dex.

Alan: Malgar attempts to slide down the ladder but unfortunately, since movies haven’t been invented yet, he fucks it up and falls 20 feet into a writhing horde of orcs.

Brandon: Does he damage any of the orcs with his body?

Orange: I think he does one d6 per 100 pounds of body weight, including equipment.

Mike: Wait! I have gloves of spiderclimbing.

Brandon: There’s no such thing, there’s only slippers of spiderclimbing?

Alan: Mike thought those were too gay so I changed them.

Brandon: You can do that?

 Mike: He can do anything he wants, he’s the dungeon master. Besides there was no way Malgar was going to go around slaughtering things wearing fucking slippers.

Orange: They could have been the Godzilla slippers that roar - slippers of roaring.

Alan: Anyway, if you were magically clinging to the ladder how would you slide down it?

Mike: There has to be a way to turn them off otherwise I would never be able to put down my axe.

Orange: More like your hand would be permanently stuck to your Johnson.

It was D&D night at Alan’s again. To be more specific, almost every night was D&D night at Alan’s but this was a weekend D&D night so they had more time and Alan’s parents had agreed to a sleep over. Alan had agreed to have something special setup for the guys and he had come through. The huge map on the table portrayed a one dimensional elven citadel which was currently under siege by hundreds of orcs and a couple other miscellaneous monsters. The party, along with a small force of npc elves had to repel the attack long enough for reinforcements to arrive.

Sieges can take months and this one was bound to take all night, which was kind of the whole purpose. At twelve, staying up all night is a kind of rite of passage. It’s you against the world, or at least against your own body. What self-respecting ‘man’ couldn’t stay up all night if he needed to guard the tribe against malign outside forces?

They had meant to start at nine but Mike had brought over the new Gwar movie, “Phallus in Wonderland” and so they HAD to watch that before they started. Four hours, two twelve packs of Mountain Dew, two pizzas, and one bag of cheesy puffs later, character sheets were covered in grease spots and orange cheese dust and there were still at least two hundred orcs left. Mike’s character Malgar had died and since there was really no easy way to introduce a new character in the middle of a siege he was forced to play one of the elf lieutenants.

He just kept bitching about it. “Elves are gay. Elves suck. Can’t believe I have to be an elf.”

Brandon was quick to remind him that elves had more bonuses than the other races. Orange agreed they were unbalanced and Alan pointed out that the elf Mike was playing had more hit points that Malgar had. Of course then Orange made the point that since Malgar was dead, anyone still alive had more hit points. He was greeted by the same cold stares most people reserved for punsters.