new girl // brandon arreaga

28

nick

i stare at emma and hope that she's kidding. i hope that if i pinch myself, i'll feel nothing and i'll wake up from this fever dream. but i've learnt hope hasn't gotten me very far in the past, so what difference does it make now?

emma stares down at her toes but i find it too hard to look away from her. i don't know how to tell her anything; i don't even know what i want to tell her. this was all sprung on me so quickly that the room is spinning in circles and i'm having trouble staying on my seat.

after everything i've done in the past few days, she still likes me. after everything i've put everyone through, she still likes me. after everything, she still has it in her to tell me how she feels without shame. and i wish she didn't. i wish she could just let me rot by myself as i try to make up my mistakes for the rest of my life, but she's not going to do that.

it takes everything in me to spit out the next few words. as soon as my mouth opens i feel ready to vomit, so i take a deep breath and swallow my pride before my dignity threatens to spill out all over the floor.

"i'm sorry," i choke out. it seems as though my throat has become the sahara desert. i want to say more and i need to say more but it feels impossible.

emma's eyes meet mine and she fights to hold back tears. "don't be."

i want to tell her how i feel. i want her to know that i like her too, but how am i supposed to make her feel loved when i just drunkenly slept with someone? how am i supposed to give her everything i have when i'm a coward?

"emma," i start, hoping that words will continue to flow from my mouth if i say something.

she lifts her eyes to mine and i can see the shattered hope that she's trying so hard to contain. "yes?"

"please just give me time," i say. "i just need to think about everything."

emma shakes her head sadly. i watch as her shoulders sink down and make her look smaller than she already is. i feel myself mimic her actions and i feel as though i've never been smaller and more helpless in my life.

"if you don't already know, then don't bother thinking." she turns around and walks out of the little sitting room with cookies that taste too sweet and hospital chairs that feel too comfortable. the sweetness left in my mouth from my one bite of cookie turns bitter and i'm tempted to smash the little plate on the ground to see it shatter. but i don't, simply because i cant stand to see myself break anything else.

instead, i sit by myself, uncomfortably comfortable, and finish eating the most bittersweet cookie to exist.

cassie

i cant stop shaking. at first i can't tell if its anger, confusion or fear causing it, but then i realize it's a toxic combination of the three. i've been sitting by myself for a while now, thankful that nick, emma and edwin were willing to give me some space. too many thoughts are circling through my head to keep track, but i know that i wish i could close the gap between brandon and i. i've never felt farther from him even though he's only a few meters away with nothing to separate us except for the spoken rules of a nurse.

so of course my brain naturally decides: fuck what the nurse says.

i get up and wipe my tears, looking around the hallway quickly before i walk into brandon's room. i approach him slowly, almost scared to wake him up. i hold my breath because if i let it out, i know i won't be able to breathe anything back in.

brandon's wrist is wrapped up and i can see the bruises on his knuckles that don't get covered by a cast, giving me insight into his actions after he left joe's. when i heard my phone ring i wasn't going to answer, but when i heard what happened i broke my own record for speeding.