beautiful broken things | billie eilish

careful creature

but i fear
a dead body
would be warm
compared to mine
-barren (nicole dollanganger)

maddie

my neighbour pebbles is nice.

she lives three doors down the hall. she's so pretty, and she's so nice to me. she's met my brother rowan and his daughter, my niece. rei.

she likes them, and me, i think.

i go to her flat a lot.

it's kinda surprising she's still living in our flat block to be honest. she must have made enough money to move out, but she's stayed.

and that means something to me, because that way im not entirely alone at 3am when i want to fucking kill myself.

she's always up in the middle of the night too.

pebbles sews. she's a seamstress. her whole flat is covered in bolts of material and thick reels of thread and tin boxes of buttons, and there's a big list in her kitchen of all the commissions she's got to complete.

she never leaves her flat, ever. her nephew brings her shopping and cat food for her cat every sunday.

she always says im welcome to come round whenever, and im welcome to bring ash with me. so quite often at 3am, me and my disgruntled puppy make trips down the hall to pebbles's flat. she's always welcoming.

im stood at her door now, my puppy ash wriggling in my arms, my hands shaking a little as i knock. but i know she'll answer, because she's nice.

she opens the door, her face breaking into a smile as she sees me. that feels good, making someone smile. it's not often i make someone smile with my presence.

"madeleine," she says happily, opening the door for me. she can't be any older than her mid-thirties, and she's so pretty; a tall, beautiful woman with streaks of blue and green in her otherwise blonde hair, and warm grey-blue eyes.

sometimes i wonder why she doesn't have a partner, but i wouldn't ever dare ask.

"hi," i reply quietly, ducking my head. she kisses my cheek before stepping aside to allow me in.

"couldn't sleep?" is all she asks as she shuts the door, and i place ash down on the floor. he sticks his little snout in the air for a moment before deciding he's happy to have returned here, and trotting off into pebbles's kitchen.

i just nod, and she nods back sympathetically.

"i have hot chocolate, or tea, if you'd like," she offers, but i decline politely.

before long she's sat at her sewing machine, its purring and clicking the only noise between us apart from ash scuffling about in the kitchen.

we don't always have to talk, but i still feel comfortable with her.

my neighbour pebbles is my friend.

after a while, i start to fiddle with my sleeves absently. i always make sure to wear oversized cuffs, to hide what's underneath but also to fiddle with. i like the material of the shirts i wear. rowan buys them for me. they're soft and oversized, and the buttons feel nice, and-

"maddie?" pebbles is staring at me, alarmed, and i stare back, just as alarmed.

"what's wrong?" i croak, standing up.

did i do something?

im good at doing bad shit without noticing.

"what's that on your arms?" she asks harshly, and my stomach plummets.

i allow my hair to fall in a curtain in front of my face, so i don't have to look at her. ive had this conversation with several people, the main one being my therapist, and it never gets any easier.

i decide to bluff my way out of it. "a- a bottle smashed on me the o-other day. when i was at work."

she sighs a knowing sigh and i can tell she doesn't believe me.

shit.

i really want to die.

"you can't do that to yourself, maddie," she tells me softly, standing up to take my hands in hers.

she starts telling me all the normal stuff, how i should talk to someone and get help.

"i have a therapist," i blurt out, because i want her to stop.

she says something else, but i can't hear it anymore. it's tuned out by the screaming starting inside my head.

"im gonna go. im tired," i lie. "goodnight."

i scoop ash up and leave quickly. she sees me to the door, smiling sadly, and i feel sick as i stumble back down the hall to my own flat and fumble inside.

that was horrible.

i hate myself so much.

i don't know what else to do since i obviously can't go back to pebbles's, so i turn on some quiet music and soak it in, trying to calm myself.

call my friends and tell them
that i love them
and i'll miss them
but im not sorry

call my friends and tell them
that i love them
and i'll miss them

...sorry

i blink my eyes open.

interesting.