beautiful broken things | billie eilish

letter

we're in the valley of the dead
cremated bodies in the air
and the rotten ones underneath
where we harvest the food we eat

im not scared of death
because
death's all over me
-valley of the dead (nicole dollanganger)

billie

i knock on the door, like i usually do.

and blink in surprise as it creaks open under my touch.

not closed properly?

that's not normal.

hm.

"maddie?" i call out tentatively.

"...mads?"

no reply.

i push the door further open and step inside, listening for a moment. there's complete silence.

a disturbing silence.

my stomach churns uncomfortably as i look down and see a thin but boldly present trail of blood on the floor, thickening as it heads further away from me.

into the hall.

oh.

i follow it, my heart pounding. it stops right outside the bathroom door.

on the door is a sign, written in shaky handwriting that i recognise as maddie's:

call my friends
and tell them
that i love them
and i'll miss them
but im not sorry

call my friends
and tell them
that i love them
and i'll miss them
...sorry

i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

what does this mean?

sat in a neat little pile on the floor in front of the door are envelopes. i bend down, leafing through them. all of them are individually named- rowan, rei, pebbles, dad...

my breath catches in my throat as i see there's one for me.

my fingertips are trembling as i prise it open and sit on the landing outside maddie's bathroom door, reading it.

to billie♥

billie. i don't know how to write this. im shaking. im sorry.

i should be scared, but im not.

is it wrong that im not scared?

for a long time, ive been drowning. in this pool, of self-hatred. i don't know how to describe it. but there's this deep-set desire in me to die.

i don't know what to do so im doing this.

where im going, there'll be no more feeling sad. there'll be no more feeling. nothing, nothing, not anything, just black, empty nothingness.

i don't want to feel sad anymore.

you were someone new. and i was uncertain of that. but you don't know how grateful i am for how much you made me smile, and how you made me fall in love.

im in love with you. i don't know if you'll ever read this, or return the feelings, or care, but im in love with you.

completely.

i just couldn't tell you.

i couldn't.

im sorry.

by the time you're reading this i will be dead.

definitely.

that is, if you're reading this at all. if you're not then im sorry for ever wasting your time, i guess.

but you know what's happened. so please, please, please don't open the door. call rowan, call the police. they'll know what to do.

i don't want to be breathing anymore.

thank you for making me happy.

i love you.

-m♥

tears are rolling down my cheeks.

what is this?

why would she do this?

is this actually happening? or am i gonna wake up in a moment, like it's all just a bad dream and she's still alive?

i can't bring myself to open the door. i can't do it, knowing she's on the other side of it.

i don't know what to do, so i call rowan, tears slipping down my cheeks.

"dead," i choke out. "sh- she's dead."