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I think of him in the way you think about your first friend. There's a longing to see what they look like now, what the sound like now, but you know that no matter how hard you stare, and no matter how hard you laugh they will not be the same person they were back then. I try to think of him rarely. Sometimes it will be due to the song that plays in the radio, or a show I see on tv that catches me off guard and, it takes me back to 2am dances in the kitchen and cold nights wrapped up in each other's arms on the sofa. All these memories I try to look back on with kind eyes and a grain of salt. With expectance that without this heartache. Without this failure I would not be who I am today. Stronger. Smarter. Not willing to jump into situations with my eyes shut, and maybe I miss that part of myself. The fearlessness. The stupidity. But I don't miss him. Not anymore. There is love there still I won't deny that, but it's the kind of love you feel towards your first pet. You mourn it. You cherish it. You move on.
Olivia and I had failed to find the perfect maid of honour dress despite me arguing I didn't need perfect I simply just needed a dress. This caused my sister to go bridezilla for a few moments before regaining her composure and chugging both of our glasses on champagne. I was a lot more go with the flow when I was the bride but I chose not to mention that. We were now on our way to a little shop I knew to well. The shop that belonged to Angels father.
"Felipe you haven't aged a day," my voice echoed through the butcher shop with the small bell above the door. "How have you been."
"I've been growing greyer every day thanks to those boys of mine," he shook his head wiping his hands on his apron and walking over to us. "Congrats on the engagement Olivia you'll be a beautiful bride." He grinned at my sister before turning back to me. "Come here Lia give an old man a hug."
We stuck around talking to Felipe for a while. Olivia insisted he come to the wedding after some pressuring and then he sent us on our way with steaks. I felt weird leaving the tiny shop without the promise of stopping by for dinner or us making jokes about Angel, but that wasn't who we were to each other anymore. I was just the girl he looked at with pity and he was the man who was almost my father in law, but almost only counts in horseshoes.
— There she was not even ten inches away from me and I couldn't find it in myself to scream her name. I still wore the engagement ring I gave her around my neck. A reminder that there are something's you can't take back. I can't take back leaving. I can't go back and time and wait at the end of the isle for her. I can't help but torture myself with imagining what our life could have been.
"Staring at her won't bring her back man," CoCo clapped my shoulder. "We got work to do. You can pine on your own time." My friend shakes his head walking towards his bike and she sees me. Her eyes lock on mine and I think about waving but before I can her older sister is giving me the middle finger and Lia's pulling her away.
— "Olivia put your finger down this second," I hiss grasping her hand down and pulling her away from what I know is going to turn into a scene. "It's like you also haven't seen him in the last ten years. Don't be so childish I moved on. You can to."
"I'm pretty sure he hides every time he sees me," she laughs darkly. "As he should. I want to kill the guy. Fucking bastard and to think at one point I gave him my blessing." She rolled her eyes and walked into the coffee shop we were planning on going to before Angels accidental interruption. I figured I would be living here for a while before I started running into him but I had barley been here a week and I had seen him twice. I tried to pretend like he was someone else. Like he was someone I had never met before. Just a stranger with a familiar face, but I couldn't pretend. He was the man who left and took my heart with him and he was so close if I said his name he would hear it but I couldn't find my voice.
