Monarchy h.s.

sins/ beginning

"living dead girl"

It hurts. Physically and mentally. I'm feeling what my mind is screaming at me. I truly don't know how to stop it even if i could. How do I stop this all from happening?

From getting my hopes up, from getting my heart broken? I can't see because my eyes are blurred from the stinging tears threatening to spew from my bright blue irises.

My thoughts were snapped away by Cujo, my not so small lap dog, jumping onto my lap and licking my face with his eyes glued to mine. "Cujo buddy, you know not to lick my face after you sniff your shit and i pray to fucking god you didn't lick it."

The guilty look i get in return let's me know this little fucker has licked his own shit.

Bloody hell i could kiss his head because he's so cute but i could strangle him for putting his shitty tongue all over my face.

"I can't believe you would do that to me Cuj. After everything we've been through" i choke out with a sarcastic hurt tone.

He gives me the you're full of shit look and i bite my cheek from laughing out keeping my somber look on him.

Cujo has always been some sort of emotional support dog, i obviously don't have him registered to be that officially because i don't leave the comfort of my living areas that frequently. so i didn't see a point in it really.

But he has been my buddy, always keeping me from doing something i would regret. Even though he is a dog, he understands what i tell him and he gives me the perfect replies of licking my face or laying his fat head on my lap.

i wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. he is something i really have put my emotions in and i could never abandon him because i'm selfish and don't want to continue living anymore. i could never do that to him.

He huffs and flops down on my lap and i stroke his black fur, letting a throaty chuckle erupt from my lips.

i outstretched my hand to stroke his back and scratch behind his floppy ear, he's so damn cute when he's cuddly like this.

But there is something missing.

Noise.

it's so quiet in here and the quiet is so dangerous.

I would usually watch the office, but
my tv has been broken for a week because i got drunk and busted it with a whiskey bottle. yeah i know. go me right? i'm a drunken fool.

i drink to forget but i always remember.

Days like these, where my lethal thoughts shoot me straight through the head and leave my body burning, is where i just want to drown my sorrows in alcohol.

Just a taste of whiskey on my tongue is what i'm longing for, to rid the dark gloom over my shoulder, to forget what being alive feels like.

But of course, i never get want i want. I always tend to other people's care, other people's worries, care for them not myself.
There has never been a time when i sat down and did something for me. it's either always working for somebody, or being shut up in my room until i go back to work.

"MAMA. JUST KILLED A MAN, PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD, PULLED MY TRIGGER NOW HE'S DEAD."

I knew that voice, it's the voice of a cunt who likes to intrude on my only day off, to stick his nose in every thing i do, but i couldn't feel more affection for a human than i do conner. Conner was this amazingly annoying person who i indulged into when things were rough a couple years ago.