Monarchy h.s.

two

No matter how many times i tell myself this is something i shouldn't be doing i will never shake the fact i do want to do this. And that's very odd for me. Wanting to go out and see him. He gives me this rush of excitement i've never felt before.

it's new and exhilarating.

Conner pried me to go. he cracked open the side of me that just gave in. i can't tell you how nervous i am. the gnawing feeling at my stomach, the hitch in my throat making it uneasy to breathe.

but also the jump in my chest and new feeling of glee washes over me as well.

it's a battlefield in my mind.

i left the tattoo parlor and stopped at a local bakery to pick up some biscuits that smelt so amazing i think i just had an orgasm.

the soft dough, with a little crisp around the edges. the flavor of chocolate explodes through my taste buds and i hum in pure bliss.

that was sex. sex for my mouth. that was actually better than sex to be frank.

i continued the drive back to my apartment, chewing down the last bit of the sugary heart attack.

i loved the drive home. so peaceful. i could listen to my music as loud as i wanted to, and have no fucks to give.

it was really the only time i had to myself, driving is not only a mental escape, i could run away if i wanted to.

tonight was going to be an experience for me. i know three years ago i was at the club, but this time harry actually wants me there. he wants me to dress up, again. he wants me there, with him. i don't know how much of him i can handle for one night.

it's kinda silly for me to think, something between me and him could have ever fully happened, but it would've been nice to have an explanation as why he left. he left me thinking that i did something wrong or i kiss like a hormonal teenage girl.

i don't know, i shouldn't over think anything anymore.

but maybe it was something he was going through, like maybe he has commitment issues. maybe he didn't want to lead me on, i see why he would just leave now.

i must have been rambling on in my head for a minute and before i know it, i'm pulling in my drive way. it is now four hours until i have to be at the club and my stomach is in knots.

what will i wear? i don't know how to do makeup. i don't have an outfit, i can't wear what i wore 3 years ago.

well maybe i can, just a little more sluttier. not too much but just enough.

i pick up my phone and dial conner and i press the device to my ear.

while it was ringing i grab a cigarette from the box and place it between my lips. "hello faith, i've been expecting a call for help." he triumphantly spoke.

"oh yeah yeah, quit your blubbering and call miranda and you both get over here. i only have 4 hours left so let's get moving" i mumbled through the phone.

conner was silent for a good three seconds. "faith. are you smoking again?" he said sternly i could picture the scowl on his face.

"only because i'm nervous" i reply telling him the truth. because that was the truth. i only smoke when i'm nervous or my anxiety is unbearable.

he huffs "Faith, you have to promise me to not go back down that road. smoking leads to other things. remember that." he pleaded.
"conner i don't promise, but i can assure you i won't" i mutter and i let the smoke creep out of my lungs.

"okay, i trust you, i love you"he hums. i scowl at the word love.

"ditto. see you in a bit" i hide the frown in my voice. the word love is something i have never understood. something i don't think i can ever understand.

i've never felt "love" from anyone. not my father. not my mother. no one. Not one person had loved me enough to show me how it feels so now i have completely blocked out that emotion.

everyone who was supposed to love me didn't. so therefore i don't love either. they hurt me. physically and mentally. and that all fucked me up emotionally.

i consider myself lucky though. we all have choices. we choose what we want to do in life, we choose were we want to go, were we want to live, who we want to be by. i could've chose to kill myself many years ago.

put myself out of misery, but if i did then i wouldn't have met Cujo. or conner or miranda.

life is mysterious, it does some voodoo shit and sometimes we just got to roll with it.

sometimes the hardest things we go through are something that was meant to happen to mold us into the person we are today. i think of myself as a butterfly.

I need to get ready, no matter how hard i want to just not show up tonight, i should at least try to look decent, right?

I'm going to convince Miranda to come with me because i don't think i can do this alone to be honest. I know i think i'm tough shit , but when it comes down to it, i'm fucking petrified.

I shouldn't be whatsoever, he doesn't mean anything to me anymore. He didn't in the first place.