Hi, I'm an Empath.

Ranting.

WARNING... TALK OF SUICIDE AND DEEP EMOTIONAL SHIT

Ok. So as I've already established, I feel the emotions of those around me, people at school, people on the bus, everywhere. But it isn't one of those things where you can walk up to me and be like "oh so what am i feeling then" because it doesn't always work that way. I can feel your emotions, but that doesn't mean I know who exactly those emotions belong to. It highly depends on my bond with that person and how long I have been around them. 

Now that that's out of the way, I have some.. Confessions?? I don't exactly know what to call this but here we go. 

I have a hard time some days, because I bottle up EVERYTHING. All the emotions I feel in a day except for your basics, like happy and cheerful or mad. Other then that, I will not express my feelings. And, of course everyone has a limit. They can contain it so long and then bam. You explode. Well for me, a lot of the time it can be much worse. This is a result of me feeling everyone around me's emotions plus my own, so even their emotions are being held in. 

So, the other day I had just got on the bus and all of a sudden I was irritated with my friend, we will just call her J. And I had no idea why I was so mad, and then I got really sad for being rude, and then I just broke. I started saying how I just want one day. One day where I can be mad, one day where I can cry and not have to worry about being strong for everyone else. And I know what you're thinking, and it's the exact same thing J said to me. "You don't have to be strong everyone, what do you mean" and I will tell you. 

At my own I was the one who helped all my friends with their depression, their fears, All the things they went through, Hell I have even had to bust a doorknob to stop my BEST friend from suicide... I can't even begin to describe what I felt in that moment when I walked in and had to grab her and pull her because I was the only one who knew what was going on.. I threw the pills and the note she was writing down the toilet and whats worse? Her mom got mad at ME because I put pills and paper in the toilet. SHE  SAID FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT THE FACT THAT HER DAUGHTER WAS READY TO END HER LIFE. ...

And after a while I allowed things to consume me and make me believe that I HAVE to be strong, I HAVE to be able to be there when someone needs me. I can't worry about my bullcrap and cry to someone when they have worse problems and are going through or have been through worse crap then me. And to be honest I still haven't been able to break myself of that. 

But it destroys me. I feel like if I shouldn't go to someone about my problems because they are not half as bad as theirs. Why should I burden people when I could be helping them? I don't even open up to really anyone anymore since I've moved to the school I'm at now.. I think here, in this book, is the most I've opened up in a long time. ...

Ok. nope i cant anymore I am done with my rant byeee