3a.m. thoughts

Bitter liquid

I looked at my reflection.
My eyes were a deep shade of red; mascara and eyeliner were now smeared all around them.
My eyes.
My eyes that were once full of life, of light, were now dull and lifeless.
My hand reached for my lips while the other one reached for the mess that I call hair.
My lips.
My lips that had once been plump and soft were now thin and flaky.

What have I become?

Once you taste a drop of that bitter and fatal liquid, there's no going back.
Once it dances on the tip of your tongue, there's no going back.

Initiating self destruct

No matter how hard you try
Ones you give in to alcohol, it will dominate you.
Its a slow venom running threw your veins.
But then again you have to numb yourself somehow.
What people don't know is that drinking is just a cause, a symptom of a problem that has yet to be resolved.
A problem buried in the depths of me.
I decided to pull the plug, to let the bridge crumble; the bridge that connects my body to my brain.

emptiness
grief
depression
anxiety
disconnection
guilt
loneliness

All underlying problems buried within me.
All forgotten when drunk.
For a long time it worked, it made me feel euphoric, happy.
It would all fade, my problems would go away.
My body constantly begged for more.
Then came a point the addictive liquid stopped working.

It
stopped
working.

I looked down at my body while my hand caressed my rough and dry skin.
My skin; the same skin that was once soft and flawless.

emptiness
grief
depression
anxiety
disconnection
guilt
loneliness

It all came back.
Little did I know it would come back stronger.
Stronger.
It consumed me.
Especially the emptiness.
E
m
p
t
i
n
e
s
s
.

I just stood there letting these thoughts consume me internally while goosebumps consumed me externally.