3a.m. thoughts

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Authors note:
Hi guys. I'm sorry I haven't been very active lately. When I first published the book I uploaded daily but at last, school has happed, so I will start uploading once or maybe twice a week until I have the time to start uploading daily. This is not my best work but I promised you I would upload weekly. Please bear with me I will try my hardest on the next Chapter. I love you guys so much and thank you so much for your support.

p.s. keep in mind this is a letter to the one and only life, so most of the "yous" refer to life, not a person.

Dear life,

Nobody knows what it's like in my mind.

Imagen trying to escape a never-ending battlefield. Imagen wanting to get out of bed but being held back by chains. Imagen repeatedly drowning. Imagen screaming, only no one can hear you. Imagen sitting in a dark and empty freezing cold room.

Am I in hell or is this the so-called "life"?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm living in my own personal hell called life. Every day I feel like I'm living in a never-ending pit of fire. Its weird see hell is supposed to be well made up of fire; but my hell is just this dark, bottomless pitch-black and cold pit.

Day after day I think about how everyone would be better off without me. How my parents won't have to worry about me and they'll be more financially stable. I won't be a burden anymore, I won't get in their way and as for my friends well they'll move on I guess. It hurts so much to say "I'm fine" over and over again when I'm really dying inside.

Im on a fine line between life and death; between giving up and giving life a chance. I guess you can compare it to walking on a tightrope; life being the tightrope and everything below it well death. I've tried to reach out for help but every single time I try to talk to someone they just won't let me. Everything's always about them. So I choose to stay silent because if I talk they would just laugh in my face or look at me with this weird judgmental expression slapped on their face. The truth is they don't even have to say anything back, just listen. Learn to listen.

The pain doesn't go away you just have to learn how to live with it, how to make room for it.
Love is pain. Feeling is pain. Trusting is pain. Life is pain. But there's nothing worse than not feeling at all, not even pain itself.

"Be happy, just smile." they say.

O love, if only it were that easy. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want to end the pain it's like you have no other choice. You feel like your not even in control of your own life, like driving a car only it won't stop when you step on the break. You lose control of everything.

I have fought to stay alive another day, to give you; life a second chance. Please do me well this time 'cuz I can't bear to be let down once again. I have lost myself one too many times and just when I think I have finally reached the top I get pulled back down. Down into the dark and empty hole, I seem to never be able to escape. It's going to be hard. It's going to be really fucking hard to give you another chance. But I will. Because I'm a fighter. I'm a survivor and I will once again survive this. Whether it's alone or with someone by my side; I will overcome this but I need you to work with me.

Sincerely, your owner.