Breaking Old Habits

chapter 1: just the beginning

I sat there kneeling. Kneeling before my own mistakes. Drowning in self doubt, self hatred, hidden insecurities. Pacing back and forth deciding whether or not to do it. I held the blade in my hand wondering to myself how something so small and worthless could have so much control over me. Its like I had those two people on my shoulders, you know the good one and the bad one, except the good one didn't seem to be there. Like my broken conscious was speaking to me through my pain. I just kept sitting there, nobody was home, just me by myself, I was trying so hard to hold back being that lord knows how bad I urged to just quickly slide that small worthless piece of medal against my small worthless wrist. I'm always the person to pretend everything's okay, like I live this perfectly easy life free of problems, when in reality I'm just like anyone else. I hurt. Sometimes reasons are unknown. But most of the time I do know. I have made bad decisions in my life and I still get them held against me. Bullied and made fun of for being that quiet one that goes to school not talking to anyone just to get by, then goes home spending everyday alone while my mom works and my dads totally m.i.a. The girl that doesn't join in on any social activities or school events. No football games or dances, parties or get togethers. To afraid to face the world and continuously be called a slut or desperate whore. I take my pain out on my body. Wishing I could be more beautiful. Self harming, running to much and not eating to lose weight. What is there to do when you're in this deep? Especially when nobody knows I do what I do and I feel unloved and worthless. I know my mom loves me, maybe my dad, and some of my family but it doesn't matter because their pretty much supposed to right? If they weren't my family would they really even love who I am? Probably not. Nobody does. I've never had a boyfriend or relationship because I'm to scared to be hurt. I push people away to avoid falling in love and being stuck in a situation like actually having to open up to someone or talk. I'm unlovable. Un-understandable. Unreachable. And most of all unimportant. But I made the better decision to put the blade down.
-----------------------Next day------------------------
I woke up this morning dreading going to school as always, but I got up anyways. I walked into the bathroom and tossed my long, tangly, dark brown hair up into a messy bun so I could wash my face and brush my teeth. Once finished with that I walked into my room and put on some maroon skinny jeans and a black sweater with long sleeves (to cover my scars) and put on my cover up and a tad of eyeliner and mascara. I decided to just straightened my hair, throw on my black leather boots and leave out the door to get to the bus stop. The bus was coming up the street flashing it's vibrant yellow lights highlighting it's number '143'. That would be my bus. And off to school I went.
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Arriving at school I remembered I had forgotten my algebra textbook at home from last nights homework. "Shit!" I thought to myself, Mr. Dwyer is going to give me a freaking detention. Well knowing what was ahead of me I went to class.

"Mrs. Phlasp (me), where is your textbook." Mr. Dwyer asked me.

"Umm well I forgot it at home, I'm sorry." I directed back towards him knowing my punishment.

"Alrighty then, here you go." he replied handing me a Friday night detention slip, "See you there because I'm in charge of this weeks detentions Mrs. Phlasp."

I took the slip from is awkwardly large hands and took my seat. Of course nobody had anything better to do than to watch me get a detention slip from my math teacher so they were amused. I wanted so badly to wipe the smirks off their faces but I just ignored the pricks and sat down. It was only first period and I already couldn't wait to go home.
---------------------Last Period---------------------
"Hey Mags" a very familiar voice greeted me.

"Oh hey Tris." I responded to my best friend Tristian. He's gay so he understands my position of being an outcast because he's one too. I'm the first person he came out to in 8th grade. Tris and I have been best friends since 7th grade. He's the only person that knows about my self harm, insecurities, and wide range of other issues. He gets me like nobody else.

"I miss you Mags!" he replied.

"Awe I miss you too! Are you free after school?" I asked him profusely.

He giggled, "When do I, Tristian Gezzer ever have plans?!" he said sarcastically.

"Hey, just asking," I laughed, "Wasn't sure if maybe you sprouted since Monday." We both started laughing.

"I'll come by around 6."

"Okay, I've got all the latest episodes of Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game recorded and prepared for your arrival." I smiled to him.

"Ah thank gosh we haven't had cable at home in weeks!" Tris responded.
------------------Friday evening------------------
Well. Tris and I had a lot of fun watching all the new episodes of PLL and the Lying Game the other night. I needed my girl time I've been as broken as ever lately. I ended up opening up to Tris about self harming the night before he came over. He talked me through it, he's the best. Unfortunately I have detention today and my mom isn't to happy about. She, I, and my little sister Katrina were supposed to have our once-in-a-blue-moon family dinners but now I will be gone from 5-7 thumping my fingers on a wooden desk while my brain has time to dwell on my shitty life in silence. Can't wait for that. My mom and Kat took me to the school, dropped me off, and headed home until they had to come pick me up at 7. As I walked into detention I noticed an unfamiliar face. One I haven't seen before. A tall, slim, bleached haired boy with perfectly chiseled jaw bones and dainty muscular arms. I don't know who this kid is, but I am totally okay with being "stuck" sitting by him as my assigned seat. He is a whole new level of cute. He's perfect.