hi im really sad :)

9/10/19

Today was the usual.
My friends and me being stupid bitches and such.

Honestly I'd say I have it pretty lucky compred to a lot of people. Never really bullied, loving father, lots of nice friends, go to a good school, and I have a roof over my head.

Although I know I have all of this though I still feel extremely lonely and sad. I mean hell some would kill to have what I have and yet here I am bitching in bed having my own pity party.

I guess maybe it's cause I'm never really myself when I'm with them.

With my dad I'm always trying to be happy even if I wanna curl into a ball and just cry.

My friends, well I'm what they want me to be. Stupid and crazy like them constantly yelling and making a dirty joke out of anything.

I pretend what they want to see of me and expect. Hell I dont even know what is myself because of it. With my teachers I shut my mouth and keep quiet. With my classmates I try to be kind and helpful.

I have sorta made these personas and masks for what people want and expect of me for almost every person I've have more then 3 words with.

At frist it was hard to keep up with all my different faces and personas but it got fairly easy by 5th grade.

3rd grade is probably the time I started coming up with these. I acted differently between some friends and some of the staff at my school.

Teachers saw me as one thing while the students saw me as another.

I don't really know why I did this.
To be liked?
Popular?
A good person?

Who knows cause I sure don't.

My personality that I probably use the most often in my idiotic one with constant dirty, and dark jokes.

I guess its no completely not me cause I know all the dirty joke opportunities and well the dark jokes come from a true place some where.

Recurring feelings although is saddness and bad anxeity. Not to mention intrusive thoughts.

The intrusive thoughts have gotten worse. I've been having a lot of in dept detail about harming myself. I dont want to go to that because then it'll mean that there truly is something wrong with me. Its tempting but I always have to remind myself that it'll hurt like hell if I even try.

Not to mention although I hate my fat gross arms and constantly want to cover them up its to hot in L.A. to do so.

Though cutting my thighs woukd be easier to hide then my arms. I already mostly wear pants but the pain and having to give up sleeping in my underwear in this weather isnt worth it.

It is really tempting though.