hi im really sad :)

9/13/19

Last day of the week, yay.

Lets try to start on a positive note this time.

I've found a new obsession, Percy Jackson which has only boosted my love for researching greek mythology so yay.

Anyways,

On to my sadness.

I have girlfriend. I know, shocking someone would actually want to date me.

I know this is gonna sound rude or selfish but I don't really love them. I doubt they really love me to.

Were sorta that couple that never really says, "I love you." to eachother.

I'm fine with that. If I did say that then I'd be lying to her. Although I am already by being in a relationship with her.

I don't want to hurt her but yet I'm hurting her either way. By pretending I love her.

I sorta just accepted that theres most likely know way out where she doesnt get hurt.

But I'm gonna just keep digging my hole until it comes to that day where I'll have to hurt her.

I think the main reason I even accepted the confession was cause I wanted to feel loved by someone romantically. I've only really felt it once and it wasn't for as long as I'd like it to be.

I was being selfish and now I'm facing the guilt.

Loving someone is weird.

You feel your face burn up when you see them and cant help from smiling with just one look at them. Your chest feels tight and you have trouble communicating.

I'm not new to pretending to love someone.

I've done it many times to try to make myself feel something besides the usual sadness.

I know its selfish, but at times I get desperate. Better then feeling physical pain.

I've only really loved someone once and I remember it very faintly. I was in 2nd grade and met this amazing person.

She was funny, fun, and I just loved being with her.

I still remember how she looked. In my eyes in 2nd grade she was beautiful, she's pronably gotten even more.

She had long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes with cute purple reading glasses. I remember when I'd see her smile or laugh because of me I'd feel on top of the world.

I forgot how it felt to be in love with someone, but I know I was in love. It was frustrating at times.

I didn't think I could love another girl plus she liked a boy so I just scraped all of my chances with her.

I dont remember the feeling but I do remember it being a confusing but nice one.

Just realized I sounded so emo during this entire thing.

Isweari'mnot.