Mind of a Christian

Anxiety and Depression 02 - Suicide and Hope

Hey guys, it's me again.

Hopelessness has been a big presence in my experience with depression. Often, it manifests itself as having no motivation to do "small" things, like getting out of bed, or getting through the day. That's an entry point for hopelessness to develop into having no motivation to lead my life in a particular direction (ie, "I'll just do... something, wherever I go, I guess"), or no motivation to live.

And, I've had enough moments of preferring to die rather than live. This past Saturday was actually difficult in that matter.

So, it's easy to slip into dangerous hopelessness. It doesn't always help that "God's there for you" has been repeated or indirectly expressed to the point of being so watered down, and that's a terrible shame. It's these obvious statements, like "God loves you", or "God is there for you", or "God really does care" that carry so much weight in driving away the enemy's lies that say the opposite.

But anyways, my best friend told me this (paraphrasing from memory):

Her: Have you thought about what would happen after you die?

Me: No

Her: You have to think about how your death will affect everyone who is close to you; how it will affect people who care. <...> I'm not going to let you go dying on me. <...> If you can't find a reason to live for your sake, then please live for my sake.

And that made me realize that yeah, I do matter to people. People do love me and care for me. How much more would God be pleading for me to live?

God has been telling me through her that depression isn't about me just hunkering down and waiting for it to pass. Yes, it's important to have an element of enduring readiness to withstand the trials, but thinking that that's the only thing that matters made me think that I wasn't supposed to feel better. I thought that I was supposed to just weather it out until God decides that I've had enough and brings me out. That was a subtle point in my mind, but it made me lose a lot of hope in getting out of this alive.

But now, He has shown me that I should fight. I should yearn for His rescue and His healing. And I'll do it in His strength. He has gotten me to endure the severity of depression for at least four months. Now, He will be my strength and will lift me up. He had walked me through the valley of the shadow of death; He will walk me out of it.