Helpless Feeling (Frerard)

Chapter 5

It was visitation day, so Pete was off somewhere with Patrick. Ryan's younger sister came and she was over the moon to finally see him. Apparently she was barely able to see him when he was on the upper floor. Ryan was equally if not more excited to see her too.

I was sitting on the couch in the rec room with Brendon resting his head on my lap. My fingers were slowly moving through Brendon's hair. As much as I wished Mikey would come, I'm kinda glad he doesn't. I'm able to spend the time with Brendon.

One of the first times we had a visitation day and Brendon realized no one was going to come, he had a full blown panic attack. I don't know how I did it, but I helped calm him down. Since then, I made sure to be there for Brendon in case he ever needed me again. A part of me saw it as a second chance to be a real big brother.

"Hey, Gee," Brendon said in a quiet voice. I hummed in response, waiting for whatever he wanted to say. There was a pause before Brendon spoke in the same low voice. "Dr. Weekes told me I'm making a lot of progress." A smile pulled at the ends of my lips.

"I think I can agree with him." His body rose and fell when he let out sigh.

"He thinks that I could probably be discharged soon." His voice got quiet at the end of his sentence. My hand stopped in his hair as I processed what he said. I felt him slight tense until I continued brushing through his hair.

"That's good. You don't belong in a place like this."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. I looked down at him confused.

"For what?"

"If I leave here, I'll be leaving you too." I shook my head.

"Don't apologize. I want you to get out of here. Don't worry about me." I felt his hand move and grip the fabric of my pants.

"I'm scared, Gee. I don't have anyone out there for me."

"Don't say that. I know Patrick would be happy to help you until you can make it on your own." Brendon nodded against me. "You're gonna be amazing out there. You can finally go after that music career you've told me about." He chuckled gently.

"I'll come back to visit you all the time."

"No." He turned to look up at me. He had a frown on his face. "I don't want you coming back to this place, Bren."

"But what about you and Pete and Ryan?" His voice was small.

"Pete's getting better. I'm sure he'll be discharged by the end of the year. Ryan's better too. He's already fully transitioned onto this floor. He's trying really hard."

"What about you?" I gave a weak smile.

"I don't think I'm gonna be leaving as fast as you guys." Honestly, I don't see myself leaving at all, but I couldn't say that to the fragile boy on my lap.

"But when you do come out, we can go out and celebrate, right?" My heart broke at the hope in his voice. I gave another weak smile and brushed his hair away from his face. He was still looking at me expectingly.

"When do you think Ryan's coming back?" I watched a smile spread over his face as he let out a giddy giggle. I smiled back at him. "You like him a lot don't you?" He blushed and buried his face in the sleeves of shirt. "I think he feels the same way."

"Really?" He peeked out from behind his sleeves, eyes wide open. When I nodded, he sat up and shined me a goofy smile.

"You know, I remember when the nurses had to pry your hands off me when we were escorted to our rooms." He looked down sheepishly as a new blush crept over his cheeks. "Look at you now. You're off doing things on your own more. I'm sure Ryan's helping, but you're getting better. Dr. Weekes is right, you're making so much progress, Bren. I'm so proud of you for that."