Beautifully Broken

- 15 -

"Someone needs to enlighten me!"

 Elijah yells from the gang house's living room, Cole just as furious by his side. 

"How the hell did that happen?"

All of their members and bodyguards standing around, looking at each other. Elijah stands with a gun in his hand. Every time he yells, it wavers slightly. 

As the boys yell, I can't help but stare out of the window. The beautiful statue staring back at me. Colorful flowers dance in the wind around it. The water from the fountain jumps in rhyme around the stone woman. 

"If you know something about tonight, anything, and don't tell me right now," Cole seethes into the men's faces, "So help me god, you will be the last in your family to die,"

"After watching each and every one of their deaths." Elijah finished the gory details of the threat. 

I can see why they're friends

I can feel the tension in the air, I can feel that someone knows what's going on. I also know they know better than to rat on themselves. The rat in the room was going to die either way, but it seemed like we'd have to put some cheese out for it first. 

I slip outside from the sliding doors, walking down the paved path.

It smells nice out here, it smells fresh. My mind is heavy from the lives I've ended today but at the same time.

I don't feel bad, I feel nothing 

What I do feel, is unsure. I don't know what's coming next and I can't decide if I like that or not. Living with my mother, I didn't know what to expect, I just knew it would hurt. Right now I don't feel like that. I feel free, light but heavy. 

I'm having an internal battle. Those people tried to kill me, yet I still feel bad. I don't understand my goal right now. I have nothing I'm working towards. Anything I use to want has been crushed because I born into an unfortunate family. 

There's no way I can go to college. I didn't even get to finish highschool. 

With all of that being said, do I really want to kill people for the rest of my life? I felt something last night - I felt alive. The feeling of adrenaline completely engulfing me is something I want to feel again. I wasn't scared in that moment. Life and death didn't matter. It was me against the world, in a different way than I'm used to. 

My fingertips glaze over the flower petals, the sound of running water becomes more prominent the further I walk along the path. Finally, I stop in front of the enchanting stone portrait of the woman. Her eyes as soft as I remember. 

My father killed her? Why?

Didn't he know they would retaliate?

Did he care?

I can't control my hand when it reaches up to touch the woman's arm. The stone is smooth, skillfully carved. I can tell it's kept clean. The vines that hug the bottom of the fountain don't reach the sculpture.

Sitting back on the bench facing the woman, I look around. At all the flowers, all the trees, All the small animals that hide between the scenery, all living in unison and peace.

Peace

Exempt, that's not it at all. The bunnies munch on the grass and the fox munches on the bunnies. However, the world still turns. Life still goes on and more bunnies and foxes are born. 

I've always wanted peace, I've always thought that it was the answer to all my problems. Regardless, that's not how things work. Peace is an abstract word of an illusion. We thrive is chaos - I thrive in chaos; for that's all we've been given, that's all we've ever known.