Zodiac Scenarios

I'm really pissed so I'm ranting, sorry

You know what really sucks?

Thinking all your life that you are the reason your parents broke up.

Putting together all the stories I've heard from both sides of my family and what I remember from being a kid, my parents were together through high school (albeit my dad often gas-lighted my mom and the people around him) but once she found out she was pregnant, communication between them pretty much ceased. It's kind of funny how, to this day, my dad never signed my birth certificate. It's been almost 16 years (Jan. 12th, 2004) and he's taken her to court 4 times to "get more custody" but he's never signed it. You know how much that hurts?

I know he's a narcissist.
I know the only reason either of them want me majority of the time of for the monthly financial benefit.
And I know he says he loves me only so I'll give in when he pressures me to do what he wants me to but damn.

That's literally like living with someone who doesn't love you enough to show that they legally are half the reason you're in this world.

And it hurts that he's only semi-proud of me being his daughter when I do something outstanding; like scoring a 5 on my FSA's(The Florida version of the huge standard test you take at the end of each grade for your core subjects) and even then it's nothing more than a nod, a "good job" and a "I expect the same next year. You know, when I was your age, I was a sous chef and I was dj'ing for parties around the block -"

And he just diminishes what ever little pride I have of myself in a snap, just like that and like it doesn't mean anything because "when he was my age" he was better than me.--

Also, they tell me that I'm just a child and I shouldn't be in big people business but I'm always the middleman who ends up bringing messages to the other and getting shot down because they've apparently never heard of the phrase "Don't shoot the messenger"

Neither of my parents even talk actively unless they are arguing in court or in text regarding who has me for what holiday. Can we also talk about open house's?! Like, they make me feel guilty for talking to the other fucking person who created me like I'm not allowed to fucking do that.

They drag me back and fourth and give me that... disgusted look when they see me talking to the other and it get's so bad that I start to shut down my emotions and just go around as a shell, taking whatever and forcing it down the volcano that I'm fucking flabbergasted has yet to explode after doing this for 15 years. 

I've been told my the one person I confided in that I do that and they started freaking out, telling me that I needed to see a therapist and that if I keep doing that I'll develop self destructive habits but.. that's the only way that I know how to cope. Shutting down everything is the equivalent of me suiting up in metal armour. Nothing can really bother me till I take it off and it's almost relaxing feeling nothing.

It doesn't help that both of my parents are equally bad. One is bipolar and vindictive who couldn't give a shit about me unless I won a fucking Nobel and the other is a narcissist psychologist who knows how to get in my head and actively makes me hate myself.

Yet they don't acknowledge me when I tell them I'm not alright in the head. My mom is a homeopathic and strictly against any drugs; so ya, that's a dead-end because even my brother who has asthma was never allowed standard treatment. I mean, I respect the stuff but damn, it can only do so much if it's that mild and pretty placebo based.

Like, I can't remember for the life of me what it was called, but when we were are Mother Earth to get some stuff from my lil bro, I saw a little dispenser they had that were roughly a week and a half to two week's worth of "meds" to regulate mood swings which was $6 and the closest to what I needed so I asked for it and got it. 3 day's in, I thought it was actually working then a friend asked why I was eating those candy things (3 at a time, 3 times a day) so I said "idk, it's this weird natural stuff I gotta have cuz my mom won't get me anything to regulate my manic-depressive states".

But the fact that they said 'candies' kinda threw me off so i was sketchy from then till i went through them all and LOW AND BEHOLD

Nothing after that day.

Soo.. thank's mom. Even though I told her that that didn't work and I wanted to be evaluated, her response was "Are you sure?" yeah "Well I know a homeopathic friend that lives up in North Carolina so when we go up this summer, he can talk with you."

Of course that didn't happen.

And with my dad, it was flat out denying that anything was wrong. "Pssh, there's nothing wrong with you Brianna -(THATS NOT EVEN MY FUCKING NAME! Its the name his delusional ass wanted to name me and constantly calls me that to fuck with my head then gets all pissy if I dont respond to it but that's a rant for another time)- you were born a HisLastName and HisLastName's dont get mental illnesses."

like wHAT THE LITERAL FUCK DUDE?! How are you gonna sit there and deny what I can so clearly tell? You can't hear the voices I hear. You can't feel the self doubt I feel. You can fucking know the internal struggles I have to go through.

And having those depressive-manic swings, I should be fucking elated to be happy when it's manic. I shouldn't be dwelling on and clinging onto the depressive lows I just got a small, maybe work-week break from. But no, I feel guilty for being happy. 

I've been told too many times by him that I have no real reason to be sad, that so many people have it worst than me and that I shouldn't go around self-prescribing just to get attention. 

oh well fUCK ME, it doesn't take a therapist to fucking tell me that wanting to carve words into my skin isn't healthy. Now correct me if i'm wrong, but having no opposition to death and actually welcoming it more than I talk to people PROBABLY shouldn't be something that I should take with me till i'm 18.

You know what else is fucking stupid? That fact that adults deem us teens 'in a phase' when we try to reach out and say what's going on. Like damn, didn't know there was an age requirement to legitimize a fucking mental problem.

Alright, I should probably stop now because if I don't I will keep going for thousands more words. But, I feel a little better than I did when I started writing. Funny kinda how I was just gonna post on my message board "Hey all you lucky fuckers, what is it like to live with both your biological parents who love each other?" 

Then I kinda figured I should elaborate on why I was asking that then I just copy and pasted the whole shabang onto this and continued writing. But ya, love you all and I really need some ice water and crackers.