The Five Years (Romanogers)

Chapter 9: Pains and Tear Stains

(Natasha's POV)

2:00 am

I'm still shaken by my dream. I could have sworn they were real. It felt like I was back in the KGB. I can't get Ivan's smirk out of my head. He was proud of what he was doing to me. He didn't care about anyone but him. He would pretend your important then the next day have someone kill you. Sadly, I was usually the person that would kill them. I also can't believe that I was Steve in my dreams. I thought about him saving me. It was like I was a fly on a wall seeing him. It was all so weird. If that dream was real. Or rather the dreams inside the dream, I don't know what would happen to me. I had no one. I have already lost most of my friends. I can't lose the ones that are still here. If I lost Steve, I would lose the one person keeping me alive. I know it sounds dumb but it's true. Without him I probably would have left a long time ago. After The Civil War happened. But Steve gave me hope. As much as the situation sucked back then, I would much rather be there. Tony was mad at me yes but at least I knew what was happening with Clint. All I got was a voice call saying 'they are gone nat'. He was so broken. Still is. Also I had my little sister Wanda. My god I miss having talks with her about whatever. Even Pepper, Laura, and Maria would join in. The only girl friend I have anymore is Pepper. I feel like now, since Pepper lives so far away and Tony doesn't really like me, the only person I can trust is Steve.

I sat in deep thought blocking out everything around me till I looked over to see Steve next to me on the edge of the bed. I couldn't help but move over and snuggle into him. I buried my head into his chest since he is so tall. It so comfy. It's warm. We often fall asleep near each other after movies but honestly this time was different. In a good way but still different. Almost as if Steve was the one who saved me from Ivan and my dreams. It was perfect.

However, I felt so selfish. I can't be this 'basic girl'. I can never have a normal life. No matter how much I want to have one.
Ugh, just imagine, how amazing living out a life. I can't have it though. I'm the Black Widow. I'm ruthless. I'm a killer. I'm bad news. No matter how much I try there will always be red in my ledger. In a bad, crappy way, I almost am thankful for the torture. I got to be an avenger, meet all of my friends. I mean of course I would never ever want to go through that again but still.

I lied there in deep thought for about 30 minutes till I saw Steve moving around. His blue eyes pierced through me. He gave a small smile.
"Are you Okay now?" He asked
"Yes... now that I'm with you." I whispered the last part much softer but he still heard it. He pulled me into a hug.
"Do you want to talk now?" He asked stroking my back.
"Yes..." I finally replied after being quite for a bit.
He nodded.
"Well I thought that I was captured by the KGB, again-"
Steve interrupted "Sorry to interrupt but what do you mean by 'again'?" Steve had a look of profuse concern. His words had a bit of an edge to them too.
I never wanted to reveal this to anyone but I can't gloss over this. He has to know.
I took a long deep breath before speaking.
"You know back in 2013 after Loki's invasion , I was on a mission of two months in California."
He nodded.
"The one where you came back and Tony and Thor were having a Pop Tart eating contest?" He asked. I smiled warmly reminded of that. My smile quickly went away as I remembered the story I was telling Steve.
"Well.... Ivan's men found me there and took me into an old hydra base. Ivan came to me and he... tortured me.." I sighed thinking about it.
"They tried to erase  my memories of you and the team. Then someone saved me..."
I took a deep breath.
"J-James did. Bucky did Steve."
His facial expression was shocked.
"How.. I thought the only time you guys interacted was when he shot you and when we were tracking him..."
"No, that's The Winter Solider... I knew James. We were trained together and we were best friends. But we aren't allowed to feel emotions or be happy with anyone so they took him away and brain washed him. Sometimes they would make me watch his pain. I never knew why they don't Brain wash me too but I guess it's part of the cruel punishments..." A tear escaped my eye. Steve brushes it aside.
"Nat... I'm so sorry...." He gave me a hug. I don't like the word 'sorry' it makes me feel sick. It's just pity.

"But yeah he saved me because he remembered me... then they took him again... And well, you know the rest."
He nodded, "Why didn't you tell me Nat? I could've helped you... I should have asked why you were gone... I should've tried harder to save him in the train... I should've never-" I cut him off.
"Steve." I grabbed his face.
"Nothing is your falt. I don't know what happened on that train you speak of but I promise nothing is your falt."
He shook his head 'no'.

"Well anyways, I was back in the KGB and Ivan, my master, the leader, was there and he was torturing me like he used to. He made me shoot this person who was blind folded.. and-and I shot h-him.." I started crying harder and harder. Steve quickly warped his arms around me and held me tight. He didn't say anything he just rubbed me back was let me cry into his neck. I felt guilt. A million what ifs popped into my head. What if that was real. What if he is dead. What if I never woke up from that horrid dream. What if-
"Nat... if you don't want to continue you don't have to. I can make you something to eat, even thought it's 3am, I can put in one of your favorite movies, we can go work out... whatever you want to get your mind off this we can do. I don't want you to be like this, it hurts me." That's last part was a bit quieter. It makes me feel warm inside, I don't know why or how but I've never felt this before. I don't deserve him.

After a couple of minutes I quietly said, "it was you Steve... I'm sorry."
He looked at me confused. Tears slowly rolled down my face. Then he looked back at me and understood. He didn't back up like I thought he would, instead he just kept in comforting me.

Steve's POV

"It was you Steve... I'm sorry." What was me? I looked at her teary face. Oh, she shot me. I pulled her closer to me. She was tense but now she seemed relaxed. Was that really her worst dream? Killing me? I don't understand. I don't want to ask her thought, maybe another day. I don't want to make her more upset. It pains me to see her upset. I don't know why. I looked at her and she was asleep. I stayed awake to make sure she wasn't having any bad dreams. Instead I saw a smile in her face.

3 POV

Soon Steve fell asleep too.

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Sorry school is a butt