Once Before

8 - The Countess Dowager

Back at home - that is to say, in my house and in my time - breakfast had always been a thing of convenient. We never put much effort into the meal we ate nor did we spend more time than we needed to wolf everything down. Unless there was a special occasion or a public holiday, breakfast had always consisted of cereals, toasts, or leftovers.

That being kept in mind, one can then understand why I was still in awe every time I entered the dining hall of Myerscough Estate, and why this awe had not ceased in the past two weeks that I've stayed here.

Without fail, the long oak table would always be filled with various types of breakfast food - coddled eggs, toasts, ham, bacon, various pastries, and tea - all of which were simply too much for one or even three people to eat in a single meal. During the first morning I woke up here, I had even asked Arthur as he pushed my chair for me whether he was expecting company, to which he merely furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head in confusion.

After my third morning here, I realized that this was the custom of the household.

That is to say, it was quite nice to have so many varieties of food on the table for me to choose from. One can only eat cereal for so long before feeling as if they'd vomit just by hearing the word 'cereal'. But of course, It wasn't the food that makes the mornings splendid - it was Arthur's company, and the promise that it was going to be the beginning of a day spent with him.

"I was thinking that perhaps we ought to take a stroll down the coast this afternoon," He suggested as he cut his ham in half and took it into his mouth. "It looks as if it's going to be a lovely day, and we haven't been there in a while."

"That sounds lovely," I nodded, "But are you sure? Because I've been seeing lights flickering from your office late at night Arthur, and I would hate it if you were staying up late to catch up on your work simply because I had asked for too much of your time during the day."

"Please, do not mind that at all. Work will always be there, but moments with you - that I would never want to miss for the world."

"You're too kind..." I murmured. "But I must insist Arthur, all those staying up late will not do you good for your health."

"Look at your, concerned over my health." He smirked teasingly, "It's like we're an old married couple already."

At the word married and couple, I froze. It's not as if I hated the word when it was associated with us - quite the contrary - the more days I spent here, the more I realized just how much I want it. 

A future with Arthur, to grow old together and be by his side for the rest of our lives.

No, it wasn't that.

It was the guilt.

The guilt of knowing that I couldn't be with him in that way, knowing that one day not far from now, I will have to go back to where I came from and leave him behind.

It was this guilt that made my breath hitched in my throat as he said those words, to which Arthur seemed to have noticed as well, for he immediately took hold of my hand.

"I said that in jest, please don't mind it," He smiled, but as he said those words, I could sense the underlying hurt he felt at my reaction.

It made me want to tell him everything, and for what must be the fiftieth time ever since I ran into Corliss. The thought ran through my mind as we embraced in the library when we wanted a change of scenery for our afternoon tea, during that one night two nights ago when I had gone as far as walked towards his bedroom corridor in my nightgown, and in all the moments in between that we spent together.