SmackDown: Back to Our Roots

Round 4: Only a Northern Story - @Wuckster

Only a Northern Story

by Wuckster

General Martin walked into the top secret meeting room and took his place at the head of the gigantic table, which was surrounded by a wide assortment of military men. Well, mostly military men. One of them was actually a meter maid named Rita. She was wearing a cap, which made her look much older than she actually was. But really it was the bag across her shoulder that made her look enough like a military man to pass. Like I said, it was a top secret meeting and she wasn't supposed to be there. Truthfully nobody knew how she got inside, although I heard some rumors that she came in through the bathroom window. She actually thought she was attending a meeting of her local Lonely Hearts Club, but quickly realized her mistake when the topic of conversation turned to aliens. She quietly excused herself and went back to her job filling in tickets in her little white book.

She's not really important to the story at hand. I guess I only mention it because she wrote me a parking ticket the other day that was totally bullshit and I hope maybe she gets in some sort of trouble for crashing a top secret meeting. I had legally parked my white Volkswagen bug on Abbey Road while I was running some errands and I came back to find I'd been cited for parking too close to a crosswalk. Look, I'll admit I nearly ran over those four long-haired freaks who were walking across it, but I missed them by a few inches at least. There was plenty of space between my car and the crosswalk. I have photographic evidence to prove it.

She also wrote me a ticket on another occasion when I was double-parked outside the barber shop on Penny Lane. I was only there a moment, just had to wait in line for my fish and finger pie. Okay, I might have also stopped and flirted with this pretty nurse that was selling poppies from a tray. I was gone like five minutes, tops, and when I got back Rita was putting the ticket on my car right there beneath the blue suburban skies! Unbelievable! I argued with her and said "You can't do that!" She said she could do it anytime at all. Eight days a week, if she wanted to. I asked her to tell me why, but she just said I should have known better and walked off. So really the point is Rita is a bad meter maid and she should be fired.

But anyway, I had important information to give to General Martin about the aliens and I patiently waited until it was my turn to address him. Finally he looked at me.

"Yes? Colonel Mustard was it?" he asked.

"Actually, it's Sgt. Pepper, Sir," I replied.

"Oh yes, my mistake," General Martin said. "You look a lot like my old math teacher, Mr.

Mustard. Man he was mean. But the more I think about it, I think it was all an act to impress the school principal, Mr. Kite. Mr. Mustard seemed like a nice guy outside the classroom. Yes, upon further reflection, I'm sure of it all being for the benefit of Mr. Kite. Anyway, what do you have to report?"

"It's about the aliens, Sir."

"Yes, the aliens. Have we pinpointed where they came from?"

"Not yet, Sir. Somewhere across the universe. That's all we can be sure of as of now. We believe they followed a long and winding road through space before they arrived here and crashed into the ocean. It took awhile to locate their spaceship. We finally found it hidden in an octopus's garden."

"Have we attempted to make contact with them?" General Martin asked.

"Yes, Sir. First we sent our blue submarines in an effort to make peaceful contact. But the aliens opened fire and utterly destroyed them. So then we sent the red submarines, but they were utterly destroyed, too. Same with the purple submarines. The green submarines and the orange submarines seemed to fare a little bit better against their weapons, but they, too, were ultimately destroyed. That exhausted the military's supply of submarines. All that's left are privately owned submarines. We found some blokes who lived in a pink submarine and they were agreeable to trying to approach the aliens. Sadly, they were also destroyed. Same with the people we found living in white, black, silver, and brown submarines."