I settle into my chair across from Calum, who’s been seated for the past ten seconds before me. I’ve kept up my gentlemanly act, and pulled out his chair for him, making a show of grandeur. He’s still grinning like a fool, giggling to himself. I smile back at him, not sure what to say now. The ride here was the most I’ve ever spoken to him, I think, and now I’m all talked out. I rake my brain vigorously for anything, anything at all, to talk to him about—
Nothing. I come up with nothing.
So I’m faced to the boy and he’s just looking at me, and I don’t know whether he’s waiting for me to say something or not. I breathe slowly in, not coming up with anything. I drum my fingers on the table top, looking at the pictures around the room and taking them in. Neither of us say anything or try to come up with conversation. Maybe it’s comfortable for him. But right now, I’m drowning in silence.
The air comes in on me, getting stuck in my lungs. I feel like I’m dying. Suddenly, I’ve got tunnel vision and I’m fighting to breathe. Maybe this is wrong, I ask myself as I fall further into my deadly oblivion. Maybe this is my body’s way of saying that I can’t and shouldn’t be friends with Calum. Maybe my heart and mind aren’t in line, and my mind is smarter than my heart. I mean, it’s just an organ that pumps my blood, not one that literally controls my feelings.
I clear my throat, trying to open my airways. I feel like I’m about to faint. I’ve never fainted before. I sleep so much, that when I feel like I’m going to fall unconscious, I just go to bed. But I’m out at a fucking restaurant right now. I can’t crawl under my duvet.
“Hey, are you alright?” Calum inquires, resting his hand on top of mine. He squeezes it, pulling me back down to him.
“What? Yeah. Yeah. I’m okay.” I pull my hand from his grasp, pressing my palms together and resting them in my lap. I ignore the hurt look in his eyes before it passes over his face. “Just need some air. Can I be right back?”
He reluctantly nods, leaning back in his seat to study me as I get up. I push a smile at him, and then make my way through the maze of tables. The cool air welcomes me in an embrace. My sight clears, and I can see clearly. I walk around the side of the restaurant and lean against the faux brick wall, sliding down to a seated position.
I coach myself to breathe in and out, in and out, creating a rhythm I can keep up with. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, ready to spill over. My breathing comes in faster bursts, no matter how hard I try to keep it slow and steady. An immense instinct of flight overcomes me. I could just hop into my car and leave. And I know Calum would call Luke, and Luke would hate me and Calum would hate me, but I’d be okay. I don’t need to do this.
But, still, here I am, crouching on the side of Red Robin, people passing by on their way to the other stores. I know that if I left, I’d feel more guilt and more anger and hate for myself. Because in the short time that I’ve actually known the boy, he’s not bad. I don’t know him well enough to say that he’s going to be in my life for long, or that we’ll make it as friends, but I do know that he’s kind. And it’s kind of refreshing to know someone who doesn’t have sunken eyes or a poor disposition on life. Someone completely opposite to me, when it comes down to it.
