Left Handed

5

I am sooooo stupid.

I don't even know why I write to you at all; you aren't any help either.

Alright. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you weren't here this morning. Perhaps you were out tormenting others. I could have used you is all I'm saying.

So. Here's what happened. I ate breakfast at around 10 am when the nurse came in and said that I had a visitor.

"My mom?" I asked.

"No. It's some boy from your town," he answered.

Oops. I blushed. What if it's Manu? I remembered that I am STILL missing my arm so fat chance of ever interesting a boy in me. Oh and while we're talking about fat, the food in the hospital is DOPE. Do you know what happens to a good-food-all-day-in-bed Tracy? She gets big.

"I can tell him to leave," he said and raised an eyebrow. I realized that I've been staring into space and blushed deeper.

"No, no, that's okay."

It turned out to be Alex. He had flowers. Great.

"Hey there," he greeted, "how are you?"

"How do you think I am?" I asked. Both my arms were hidden beneath the blanket. No need to spread the good news just yet.

Alex looked around the room, scratched the back of his head and laid the flowers on the window sill. Then he pulled up a chair and sat.

Sure, sit down, I thought but didn't say. I decided to dial down the sarcasm a notch. At least Alex had the guts to come while all the others didn't, even Cristina.

"Listen, Cristina feels pretty bad about what happened," he said, as if he read my mind. "She would come to visit you she said. Did she?"

"Nope. Your my first," I said. We looked at each other and laughed.

"Right, don't know about that. I also came here because my family has connections. I wanted to ask you if you want my help... you know... with money... for your arm." He squirmed in his chair, looked at the ceiling.

I got mad. Who did he think I was that I needed help from some stranger?

"Excuse me? Do you think I'm poor?"

"Well, we all know your mom's restaurant isn't exactly bursting with customers," he said. The moment the words came out of his mouth, I saw that he regretted them. He lifted his hands to apologize but I beat him to it.

"Get out." I whispered.

"I'm sorry, please, let me explain."

"Get out or I call the nurse," I said. I knew I was about to blow a fuse.

Thankfully, he left.

And so. Once again I am alone. Here's my current state: the doctor told me I have to stay in the hospital until there is no danger of an infection. Then I'll get fitted with a prosthetic arm and referred to a physical trainer so I can get adjusted to my new life (ugh). In the meantime my pain meds were adjusted and I'm on a pretty blissful high as long as I don't think too hard about my condition.

I am bored as all fuck. I think I'm going to steal a cig from my German friend (still groaning) and head to the roof for some privacy.

...

I'm back. Hello.

The roof was great. To get there I had to do this:

I walked down the hall all the way to the end. Here I found the fire escape stairs. I reached for the handle and kept walking. I saw my stump in my peripheral vision rise up to the handle. Before my head hit the door and I groaned I had time to form the following thought.

Crap.

"Oof." Luckily I managed to lift my stump to my chest or the roof-for-a-cig adventure would have ended right here.

Embarrassed at myself, I opened the door with the other hand and walked up the stairs. Thankfully this door stood open though I don't know what that says about the hospital.

The roof is exactly what you'd expect of a roof; it's flat with a small ledge to prevent stuff from rolling over. Air conditioning units are scattered around in a haphazard way. Lots of bird shit.

I found a relatively nice spot somewhere out of view from the door and lit up. Then I coughed. Then I hacked. Then I felt dizzy. Smoking kills, y'all.

If someone ever told you they "aren't addicted" ask them why they kept smoking after their first cigarette because it's not an A+ experience.

When I finally got my bearings and my breath back, I had time to enjoy the view. The sun dipped into the ocean just then and colored everything in shades of red. Strangely, my lucky star was already out and it seemed a little bigger. I hope it's not an asteroid. Do asteroids scintillate like stars? Oh... of course: shooting stars.

I thought of Alex up there on the roof and of how dumb I had been to turn him down. Like, I don't have that kind of money. Should I ask him if his offer is still on? Hardly believable, the way I treated him. I really have to work on my attitude.

Now I'm back in my room, writing to you.

So what have you been up to? I'm curious. I'm so, so tired though. I'm going to get me some water. Hang on.

And I'm back. That didn't help at all. Let's see if I can stay awake long enough to