Left Handed

11

I think most of us, and by "us" I mean the masses, need to be a little careful when we go shopping. We can't just spend indiscriminately because we might simply not eat for the next month.

People say, money doesn't make you happy. Let me tell you people something: only middle class to rich people say that.

It could be true that money doesn't make you happy but one thing is true with much more certainty: not having money, being poor, sure as fuck doesn't make you happy either.

If you have to choose between a Red Cross coat and cup noodles, you will not turn around and say, "All I need is the company of my cat."

I went shopping today. It felt really good.

When I woke up I put on the same dirty clothes I've been wearing since leaving the hospital: jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie.

Money buys a lot of things but you do have to get to through the door. So I decided to shop upwards.

I went to a department store and bought knickers and bras, a shirt, new pants.

Across the street was a jeweler. I looked into the window and saw the saleswoman. She had long, straight and black hair. Perfect make up. A suit. She saw me gawking and smiled at me like I was some stupid, poor child.

I stuck out my tongue to complete her image of me and left. I'll get to her later.

Next I bought shoes, dresses, suits. At one point I started to arrange it all to be sent to my hotel. Magic arm or not, I can't carry that much stuff.

I went back to the hotel where I changed into my new crime boss look: a black button down, black knee length skirt, black stockings, burgundy boots. I put on makeup and braided my hair.

Now I was ready to face the jeweler.

I want to tell you that I burst through the door and established myself as the new alpha girl of the shop. I want to say how I humiliated her. But I can't. Because that's not really who I am.

It is true that when I walked through the door, she looked down on me haughtily but I just smiled and asked about rings.

Soon the jeweler melted and we had a really nice chat.

I walked away with a gold ring with a fat ruby. Some bracelets. A necklace.

It was really not that exciting.

And so I went to buy some weed.

It's very easy to buy weed in Mahon. I walked out of the hotel and toward the harbor. After some time I encountered a man, sitting in a bench. He wore sunglasses and shorts and an open shirt. His chest was very hairy. He had one of these dad-pouches.

I walked up to him and put one leg on the bench.

"How is it going, turd?" I asked.

He was about to jump up, anger in his eyes. I put my hand on his shoulder and pressed down.

"Easy," I warned.

"The fuck do you want?"

"I want your entire stash," I said.

That's when he pulled out a.knife. I grabbed it by the blade and pulled. He didn't let go of the handle and sort of stumbled into me. I jumped back and we got engaged in a weird tug of war. I saw it register in his eyes that I should have lost a few fingers now.

I slapped him as hard as I could with my right hand. It probably didn't hurt at all but he let go.

I threw the knife away and slapped him again. This time with my left hand. He fell to the floor, stunned. I took his man-purse and left. I rounded a corner and watched. After a few minutes he got up and scampered off. I followed him.

He went to the harbor proper and into an alley. He knocked on a small door. It looked like the side entrance to a storage building. Figures that these types would hang out here. I can't imagine the weed comes in by plane. Someone opened it and he went inside.

I walked up to the door and put my ear on it. I didn't hear shit.

"Can you, like, scan for people?" I asked Bo.

"Sure. Wave your hand over the approximate area to be scanned," he said into my head phones.

I did. I must have looked very strange.

"There are ten guys in there. Three women. All the men have knives and one woman has a stiletto hidden in her boot. One guy has an ancient gun but no bullets."

"Ancient for us or ancient for you?" I asked.

"Ancient for us."

"Thanks champ."

"I'll be here all day."

"Can you open this door without making noise?"

Bo instructed me once again how to apply my hand to the lock and in seconds I was inside. Now what? I was in a hall. The group of people were all in the middle surrounding a table. Some were sitting. My hairy friend stood in front of a big dude and seemed to be panicking.

"What's up losers?" I said as I walked up to them.

Hairy spun around. "That's her!" he shouted.

A guy to the right with a huge belly and long, dirty hair pulled out a gun.

I calmly walked up to him and put my forehead to the barrel.

"Shoot, I dare you," I said. I felt pretty confident at this point. The gun wasn't loaded, remember.

Then the guy did something I did not expect. Partly because he didn't look dexterous at all and partly because he just didn't seem like the type. He flipped the gun in his hand and whacked me over the head with the magazine.

The last thing I remember is Bo saying, "Not again." into my headphones. Sarcastic little shit.

The lights went out.

The curtain closed.

Show over.