𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐚𝐦𝐞 | 𝐅𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞

Chapter 21

Millie

No one here even knew who she was. I wonder if I really did. If Aunt Lily really did. If Mom knew herself.

Do I know who I am?

The only people here who can claim to pretend to know who Mom was are me, Aunt Lily, my uncle, and cousin. Otherwise it's my aunt and uncle's friends. Not a lot of them because most couldn't be bothered and the ones who are here probably only came out of respect to Lily.

But Jacob's here. His family. Of course Lily and Mark's best friends would be here. They stand on the other side of the black coffin. I don't even understand having a coffin since all she is, is bones, but I know Lily wants the best for her. She always wanted more for Mom than Mom wanted for herself.

Finn is next to me wearing nice black slacks and a button-up, long-sleeved black shirt. I wonder if he went out to buy the clothes or if he had them. Not that it matters, but I know him and this isn't the kind of thing he's comfortable in so I'm grateful he's doing it for me. I'm also thankful he didn't do his hair. It still looks like it always does, sticking every which way.

His grip on my hand tightens, but I don't squeeze back. I'm glad he's here. Hate admitting it, but I need him here. My body is just too numb to do anything about it.

The remains of my mother's bones are in a box as dark as the nights she spent in those woods. How much of her can even be left?

The pastor goes on and on. I don't focus on what he says, just the feel of Finn's rough hand holding mine. This rough boy who hates the world, curses like a sailor, but is so gentle with his mom and is here with me.

I don't understand how we got here or why we're in this together, but I'm not sure I could get through this day without him.

Something else I don't like to admit.

My chest tightens again.

Calm down, Mills.

"You're doing fucking awesome," Finn whispers in my ear and I can't help but smile at that. Only he would use the word 'fuck' at my mom's funeral.

The service ends and they have me walk forward first to toss the rose in. Finn stays attached to my side. I feel the eyes of everyone else on me, watching me, waiting to see if I'm going to break down. Inside I have. I'm all cracked apart, pieces lying here and there throughout, but for some reason, it can't escape. It's like there's a roadblock keeping it in and while I'm glad, I want to be free of it too.

Once the roses are tossed in, we turn around. I keep walking so Finn keeps walking, supporting me as we head back to the blackened car. I can't believe they rented a car to come in. Mom didn't give a shit about stuff like that. Though she didn't give a shit about anything except partying and guys.

Finn leans against the car and pulls me toward him. My arms go around his neck and his around my waist. My face is in his neck and I think if I was going to cry, this would be the perfect place to do it, yet it doesn't come.

"You're so fucking tough," he squeezes my waist like he always does. "I just—I see."

It's then the enormity of what I did hits me. I asked him to come to a funeral for my mom, while his is dying. He looks at that box and sees Mary, but he's here and he's holding me, this boy who I'm only sleeping with.

"I'm sorry."

"No reason to be." Finn shrugs. But there is.

My aunt and uncle get to the car. They're taking the Finn thing better than I thought. Not that they're the kind to freak out, but I've never mentioned him. Didn't even tell them he was coming with me. It makes me feel bad. They would love me, if I'd let them.