𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐚𝐦𝐞 | 𝐅𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞

Chapter 34

Finn

My feet are weighed down, but I somehow manage to make them move. Millie's in the hallway as I close Mom's bedroom door.

I don't know if it's okay or if it's right or if it makes me the weakest son-of-a-bitch on the planet, but I crawl into bed with her, hoping and praying I don't hurt her. All I know is I need her.

I wrap my arm around her. Curl up on my side. I feel small...like a kid. How I used to get into bed with her when I'd have a nightmare or the neighbors would scream so loud they scared me.

"My sweet, sweet, boy," She says. I don't know how she managed to make her voice sound clear, stronger. Probably for me. Because she knows I need it.

"Live your life," she finally says. I have to look up to see her because I don't know what she means.

She sighs. Bites her chapped lip.

"You can do anything you want, Finn. That's all I've ever wanted you to know. You're better than me. Better than your father. You can have anything. Be anything. Do anything...but live your life. If you decide college isn't what you want, don't do it because of me. I want you to find whatever you can that makes you happy and you hold it. You grab onto it with all your might. If I ever pushed you into anything it's because I wanted you to know you're better than selling drugs, going to jail. Nickle and diming it like I've had to do."

Selling drugs. Going to jail.

Does that sound familiar? The things I hated my father for.

Her eyes hold mine intensely.

"Just be good...be happy. That's all I want for you. And for you to know how one-of-a-kind you are. You are strong, loyal, caring. You make that girl out there smile like she has the world in the palm of her hand." She pauses, breathing hard from the effort of so much talking. Then she whispers, "You gave me the world."

I'm begging myself to say something, but I can't find the words. They're locked inside me. Each time they try and slip through, a door closes on them, blocking them out.

"You gave me the world," she says again. "You're the only thing I've ever done that means something."

"You made me who I am," is what I manage to say. I hope it's enough. Hope it's right. When I look at her, her face is wet. Tears giving moisture to her lips that are turned up in a smile.

•••

Hours go by. I don't even know how the hell many. They pass as she sleeps and breathes those raspy breaths. She hasn't woken up again for so long. It's the middle of the night now. All I have to do is look at the clock, but I don't have the energy.

Millie's standing by the window, looking out at the darkness. There's only a small light next to mom's bed that's on. A streetlight outside shines against my dancer.

Looking at her, I suddenly need her. To feel her and talk to her. She jumps when the chair squeaks as I stand. Without a word I walk over to her and pull her into my arms. Bury my face in her neck as she clutches at my back.

And somehow...I feel better. Still broken and lost and angry, but not so alone too.

I step forward and Millie backward. She leans against the wall and just lets me hold her. Holds me.

"I'm losing her," pushes past my lips, into her neck.

"I'm fucking losing her. I don't want to lose anyone else I love. I don't want to lose you." I don't know where the words are suddenly coming from, but I can't make them stop. Can't reel them in.