Look Where That Got You.

Chapter 19 - See Through

A/N:
Just a warning, this chapter contains multiple self-harm scenes.

~Billie's p.o.v~

Heartbreak really hurts.

I never knew it could be this distressing seeing someone you love with another person. But I've come to the decision that nothing can feel worse.

Even when we first broke up it was better. Even though he lied, Finneas was there to comfort me. No matter what he did, I miss him. I call him everyday but he never picks up.

I can't let him back anyway.

Living alone is tearing me to pieces. My mum didn't approve of my actions (kicking out Finneas) so her and my Dad went with him. That guy really hard. I didn't know how to cope. The one thin I never thought I'd lose was my family. But now, they're gone.

14, living alone, wanting to die.

Doesn't sound too good does it?

I haven't eaten for three days. Not since I saw Olivia with who I've now learned to be Isaac. I haven't gone through a single day where I haven't hurt myself. I'm tearing myself to pieces and I can't seem to stop.

I also can't stop thinking about Olivia. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Am I nothing to her?

I lay in my bed, not moving, the new EP is almost ready.

I only have one more song to record, but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it.

Hostage.

How can I record a song about being in love with someone, when the person I wrote it with and about has moved on to someone new?

I cry every time I even think about the song. How happy I was with Olivia. How in love we were. How much we needed eachother.

And I still need her.

The red light in my room perfectly matches the colour of the warm drops that are rolling down my arm. My hands shake as I cut through my rough, broken skin.

I don't want to be here.

I'm honestly ready to just bleed out. Here. In my room. Surrounded by my thoughts.

I use the knife to write on my wall, in blood. I've been doing this a lot recently. Writing all of my thoughts  down. In pure proof of how much they hurt me.

I just wish Olivia loves me.

Is that too much to ask?

Wait a minute, let me finish,
I know you, don't care
But can you listen?

I scratch my thoughts onto the wall with a shaking hand. Flooding my mind with music. If I could say something to Olivia right now, it would be this.

I came committed, guess I overdid it,
Wore my heart out on a chain,
Around my neck
And now it's missing, hmm

So I think I better go
I never really know, how to please you
You're looking at me like I'm see-through
I guess I'm gonna go
I just never know how you feel
Do you even feel anything?

You said don't treat me badly
But you said it so sadly,
So I did the best I could
Not thinking you would have left me gladly
I know you're not sorry
Why should you be?
'Cause who am I to be in love,
When your love never is for me
Me

I feel tears stream down my cheeks as I look at what I've done. I can't live like this. I can't stay here.

So I, think I better go
I never really know how to please you
You're looking at me like I'm see-through
I guess I'm gonna go
I just never know how you feel
Do you even feel
Anything?

I have to do something. I don't want to live like this. I reach for my phone and did something I never thought I'd have the courage to do.

Me hey, I know I'm probably the last person you want to speak to right now but we need to talk.

I love you so much. I just need to know what's happening. That guy, are you and him a thing now? I'm honestly torn apart without you. I only came over to tell you that. I knocked, there was no answer. I was about to leave but I found the door was unlocked so I came in. I'm so sorry if I have ruined something for you.

Please know that I am punishing myself for what I did. It was wrong of me and I am so sorry.
I love you, Billie x💘

She doesn't have to reply. Or ever speak to me ever again, but at least she knows I love her.

~Olivia's p.o.v~

As I'm about to leave Dani's place. I see a message on my phone. It's from Billie. I have been expecting something from her if I'm completely honest. She likes closure.

As I read it, I begin shaking. I fall to the ground with tears streaming down my face. She's hurting herself. Because of what I did.

Dani catches me as I fall. She snatches my phone and reads the message.

~Billie's p.o.v~

Olivia✿ is typing

I jump when I see the notification. She's replying? I run downstairs and grab a bandage from the first aid kit, shoving it on my arm. When I return, I see the message.

Olivia✿ ...

"..."

Is that really all she can say?

A/N:

Heyheyheyhey how was that for y'all?

Sorry it was pretty depressing but I just wanted to highlight Billie's feelings.

I'm probably only going to publish another 1 or 2 chapters of this story. Then I'll start a new one.

Please vote and comment your thoughts, thanks,

Thea 💘