Thunderstorms at 2 AM

SLEEP PARALYSIS

(Wrote this back in the summer. For some reason this entry is a big deal for me, so please do not steal it. I really hope you love it as much as i do (this is one of the only pieces that i truly love that i wrote)

                                                     SLEEP PARALYSIS

Lately I’ve been getting nightmares. I know you know because whenever I wake up drenched in ice cold sweat and out of breath, you are awake and your eyes translate into words of ‘fuck man, this isn’t good’. You took me to the doctors, who took me to a therapist, who just speaks in complicated and scientifical terms and tries to understand but just like everyone else - fails. Badly too because she hasn’t been able to put the slightest stop on these nightmares. You heard the doctor, I have sleep paralysis ‘in which you temporarily experience the inability to move when you are asleep or awakening’. About 23% of these victims also suffer with hallucination during the process, and I get to be the lucky victim.

You tell me it’s alright, that this is just a bump in the road and that we’ll get by this together. You even moved the bed against the other wall. That didn’t work so you decided to give up the little corridor room that has your territory written all over it. You pushed your keyboard against the wall, and began to stack up the stacks of CDs and DVDs against the wall too, and even along the corridor path because there wasn’t enough space. One mattress would do fine in the tiny room, and you were persistent with sleeping next to me. Sadly that didn’t work either and I found myself choking on my own tears two nights later.

I can see you lose patience with it day-by-day and it kills me to know I’m the one who’s keeping you awake. I’m your insomnia. When you shout at the doctor demanding more research to be done and that the therapy doesn’t do jack shit and is a waste of money, I have to hold your hand and pull you back down on the seat next to mine. You get mad at him and hold him responsible for how I stopped eating and trying because I’ve been afraid to keep my eyes shut at night. I hold myself responsible for everything. I hold myself responsible for the demon that seems to visit me every time.

I hallucinate of the same demon that lurks in my room, and every time these nightmares occur where I’m glued to my bed, I watch him take two careful, yet immoral steps towards me. I feel my throat become restricted as I open my mouth, but there are no words that plurge out. He is about three steps away from the bed now.  His smile is sickening and could be approved by the darkest and most sadistic demons that roam in hell.

 The scariest part about this demon is that he is completely and utterly human. His pale skin glows in the darkness, especially when you forget to close the curtains and the city lights slowly feed me glimpses of his facial features. He looks through these beautiful blue crystal eyes that just pull you in by an easy and swift glance. They are so blue it scares me. He even has hair! And he has this stubble that grows on the edge of his jawline – outlining it perfectly. Sometimes he whispers ‘one day darling’ and ‘you’ll never get away from me.’ I believe him sometimes until you pull me in your arms as I drown in unconsciousness and pull me on your lap like an infant as you whisper ‘breathe. He’s gone.’. Then I look up at you and scream because the monster isn’t gone

- he’s holding me in his arms.