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anorexia

2 years ago today marks 2 years of being admitted to the hospital for my eating disorder from my body shutting down. 2 years ago water didn't taste good because i was so dehydrated as i was too scared to even drink water. 2 years ago i stopped eating completely. friends at the time noticed, confronted me, and i couldn't. you could feel my spine when you hugged me. my ribs were coming out. even then i didn't feel sick because that's what your mind tells you. i started by exercising, cutting foods, drinking so much lemon water (disgusting haha), until cutting food completely. often water. i was starving, i remember my heart getting so slow and my energy going down so much were i couldn't even keep my eyes opened i was so tired. i was hooked to heart monitor after heart monitor. i pushed all my friends at the time away. i had none, only a hand full to this day because of social anxiety/depression and even trust issues. i was forced to eat, and when i was, i would make myself sick. i didn't tell anyone that, not until maybe weeks or a month after. i told my amazing teacher at the time and bawling out in tears, i was sent to the counselors where she called my mom. i went to the doctor straight after and i continued it, until the day before picture day. i remember i was at the gym with my brother and i started shaking and crying, hyperventilating with a panic attack. we pulled over so his girlfriend could come over. where we all kinda sat and cried. i was gonna get pulled out of school, but i didn't want to because at the time, it was my safe place as i wasn't home to be forced to eat. so i went to school the next day for picture day, and went home, to be told to pack my clothes. i did and the ambulance came to my house to admit me to the hospital where it had ups and downs, but in the end very beautiful. i cried every single night at the hospital after i ate, i had to have my blinds opened, no phone (which i still used), 10 minute shower with the door opened, and no walking. strictly in a wheelchair. i would still make myself sick in the shower because it hurt SO bad to eat since i haven't for so long. a long while after, my life would only go up. i met my wonderful therapist who is my best friend, we go everywhere together. she has gotten me through SOOO much that i couldn't tell my family myself. so much. i still cry all the time because of crowds, anxiety, and even the thought of weight gain. but i'm happier, that's all i can say. because of my best friend and my family bought me charlie wade, who gives me anxiety and makes me cry, but he's gotten me through so much and the reason i'm recovering today. and because of benton who i got a year after! there is light at the end and anyone recovering with an eating disorder can prove that.