Tagg

Depression

hi, i had a vv bad panic attack today and only thing that make me happy is taggle

Tagg

"Come on dude... it's time for our gang" Nick sits in front of me and I stressfully run my fingers through my hair.

"Just go without me on this one" I keep my head down.

He frowns. "We've been going without you for two weeks now. You're falling back into depression and it's not only breaking my heart, it's breaking everyones. You use to be so happy. Such a ray of fucking sunshine. We hate seeing you like this. We never want you to be like this. I know you miss her, but we talk all the time on the groupchat! Well... Callie and I do... you just ignore us. But, dude, I hate to say this, but you gotta move on, buddy. You will find a girl. You'll find a girl that you'll marry. That you'll have those four kids with. That you'll grow old with and watch your kids get married and have your grandkids an-"

"STOP!" I jolt up and shout in venom. "JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM, NICK!"

"But-"

"GO! I'M FUCKING OFF THE TEAM! TELL UNCLE FUCKING DEAN TO GET HIS BACK ON! HIS WIFES PREGNANT NOW! SO HE CAN GO ON!" I shout and he tries to form words. "LEAVE!"

He sighs and does as I say.

I throw myself against the wall, punching it.

Before I can punch it again, my phone goes off and that same fucking lock screen is shown.

And a text from Cal.

Calster ❤️ :
Hey bear... what's wrong? We haven't talked in days and you're not answering my calls... are you okay? Please please please call me or text back. I'm worried about you. Me and Nick. I wanna make sure you're doing okay. I love you ❤️

I throw my phone against the wall, shattering it.

I'm alone.

Not physically.

No.

Mentally.

My head is filled with voices.

It replays that same fucking moment.

All I dream about is her.

She's so happy. Me? No. I'm a fucking train wreck!

I throw a picture frame at my wall.

I fall against the wall, face flooded in water before I grab my needle, injecting it in my arm.

**

"Tagg! We've been-" I wake up mama barging into the room. "You did it again!! Didn't you?!"

"Mama, it's the only way to-"

"NO, TAGG! IT'S NOT! TRANQUILIZING YOURSELF IS NO WAY TO HELP ESCAPE YOUR MIND!" she looks at my wall. "AND YOU BREAKING THINGS! EVEN YOUR PHONE! THIS ISN'T YOU, TAGG! This isn't you" she lowers her voice and a tear falls out of her eye. "You need to go to therapy, bub"

"I don't need therapy. Mama, please" I put my hands on her shoulders and she cries. "I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna get through it-"

"Not alone. You can't. And you don't" she pulls back, sobbing. "You don't eat anymore. You don't come out of your room. You don't talk to anyone. It's been a month, Tagg. A month you've been home. It's not gonna get better, okay? You need help. You're losing everything. And me too, I've lost my son to this. Every mother's worse nightmare and I'd hate to send you to the hospital-"

"I don't need HELP!" I shout and she looks up at me. "I'm so sorry" I hug her tightly, kissing her head. "I'm sorry"

"Please get help. Get help for me" she cries into my chest.

"I will... for you" a tear escapes my eye.

**

"How was it?" Nick asks once I want out. "Oh your eyes are swollen red"

"I miss her" I look down.

"She told you to move on, dude. She told you to live your life. Not this. Not fall into depression" he frowns. "She's so worried about you... we both are. It's been a month... move on. You're the only one who hasn't"

"She has?" I look up.

"All over her instagram is her so happy, touring Arizona and going places. You? You've just been in your room... is this therapist at least working out for you?" he asks.

"She's our age" I tug my lips to the side.

"If you need to be seen before Thursday, let me know" Vanessa walks out, smiling.

"I will" I fake a smile.

"Twice a week with a hot ass therapist?" Nick nudges me. "Oh come on, you gotta think she's hot!"

"She's pretty, Nick. Just... not who I'm looking for" I walk out of the door.

He runs behind me. "Come on! Here's your chance! She's gorgeous!"

"Drop it" I snap and he sighs.

"Give her a chance... give yourself a chance. Maybe Callie wasn't meant to be and this breakup led you to Vanessa" he convinces. I clench my jaw and just ignore him, walking into my car. He gets in the passenger seat, looking at my cup holder. "You have Callie's senior picture still in here..."

"I have yours too. What's the big deal?" I hold up his picture.

"Oh..." he sits back. "Where are we heading?"

"Our supplier" I speed off.

"Why? Don't you have enough weapons?" he tilts his head.

"Yeah, but, it's like every girl after a breakup. They dye their hair. Me? I want a new gun because I'm going on my final gang fight with you guys tomorrow morning" I take a sharp turn.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay? With all this on your mind?" he asks in concern.

I nod. "Just one last fight. I wanna get this off my mind. A relief"

"Okay... just.... don't get over your head. Okay?" he rolls his window down.

"I'm not. I'm doing this for myself in hopes I'll get this out of me" I reassure.

He sighs.