The Fallen Goddess

Back to the Place Where it All Started

We are once again reduced to hotels, car rides, and cheap food.

Koreena complains a lot, but I know it's just because she wants to help Orathne. I know that it's incredibly selfish, but I don't want her to want to go back; I want her to forget about her mission and stay with me.

But of course I don't say anything. I mean, how could I?

Sometimes I worry that she is reading my mind; sometimes I feel an undeserved coldness from her, and I wonder if she can tune in to my thoughts like a radio station. If she can then I am absolutely screwed.

But there are other days when she is extremely giggly and loving, and on those days I find that I should savor her attitude instead of trying to decipher it. Those are always good days.

Since we are only travelling by others' cars, and because it's hard to find a ride, it takes a few weeks to get to California.

But eventually, in what to me seems no time at all, we are at the last hotel. Tomorrow, if all goes well, we will be able to make it across the border and to where Koreena's sister is.

As I open the door to this last hotel, I take a deep breath, my brain scrolling through everything that's happened in the 6 months that I've been gone. 6 months...

Half a year.

And it hits me. During this time, I've always missed my family, always thought about them. But suddenly I realize the full extent of what I've put them through.

For half a year, I have been gone, and for a couple weeks, I haven't even been in the United States.

For half a year, they haven't heard a thing from me, and I haven't even watched the news recently to find out how the manhunt is going.

To be honest, it probably ended, because for a little less than half a year I have been gone with no trace left behind.

My family probably thinks I'm dead.

If no one is holding out hope that I'm still alive somewhere, then there's probably already been a funeral.

Everyone I've ever known, everyone I've ever loved, thinks that I am dead. And they have thought that for almost half a year.

And it's all my fault.

I sit down on the first thing I can once I'm in the room; my legs seem to have stopped working. I'm shaking uncontrollably, and Koreena has definitely noticed.

"Blake!" she nearly shouts. "What's wrong?"

I open my mouth to tell her I'm fine, but nothing comes out.

My mouth hangs open, my jaw slack. I can't move my muscles. I can't believe what I've done; I can't believe I've never thought about it until now.

I've put my family through hell for the last 6 months, and I didn't even think about it, and now I plan to just show up back home in a few days, weeks, months...

I don't even know what I'm planning at this point.

I put my hands over my face and dip my head down. Koreena lifts me back up and parts my hands so she can see my face. I don't want her to see because, even though I'm not crying, I think I might.

"Blake, what just happened?" Koreena asks, holding my wrists away from my face.

I can't begin to explain to her what I've just realized. I don't want to remind her that, in a few days, she will be back home. I don't want her to feel guilty about something I did and never thought about.

So I don't say anything.

I just take a deep breath and, releasing my wrists from her grip, take hold of her hands instead.