Second Boys Will Be First Choice (A Brallon Fanfic)

I Guess I Can't Breathe If It's Not Your Air

I stare at the roses for a long time until Dallon walks in and puts a hand on my shoulder. I know he's looking at the roses as he pulls me into a hug.

"Why won't he let me forget about him?" The question that has been haunting me for so long. It sends a flood of anxiety through me to finally ask it. 

"Because you loved him. You love him." Dallon sounds defeated. I breathe a heavy sigh into his shirt.

"No, not anymore. Not after all he's done, I'm in love with you. He's never going to change that." I say trying to sound convincing.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." He sighs and pulls out of the hug, obviously upset. 

"I need to make a phone call."I say, thinking to give him some space. 

"Fine." His voice is salty now. I can't look him in the eye. "But if you're so desperate to talk to Ryan, he hasn't left, just say it in person."

"I'm not calling him." I try and keep my voice calm.

"Do whatever you want." He deflects. I give up. 

"Sure after you get the stick out of your ass."

"Oh I've got the stick up my ass? Tell me who you're calling. Unless it's another secret you want to keep from me!" His frustration hits me in waves. 

"Oh for gods sake! I'm calling Jon! Jon Walker, remember him? Fucking Christ..."

"Calling to replace me? Might as well, it's not like you pay me anyway!" Ouch.

"Well maybe I'd pay you more if you actually did something other than act like you're better than all of us!"

"All of us? All of us? You mean you and me? I'm sorry did I miss something is Spencer here right now? Are there any other members I'm forgetting about? Because unless there is I think you're forgetting it's just us!" Ouch. 

"Don't you ever fucking dare bring Spencer into this." My nails are digging into my palm now. I watch the realization of his misstep flash in his eyes. He moves on. 

"You know what Brendon, go call Jon. Tell him how badly you want things to go back to the way it was. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out you and Ryan were fucking backstage!" His words cascade through my head. "How long has all this been pent up?" I wonder. I stop caring.

"You're one to fucking talk!" I shake my head. It's not the only thing shaking anymore. Rage sends a tingling sensation through my whole body. I turn away and reach for the cigarettes on the table. He laughs unkindly.

"I've been so patient with you Brendon. I've stayed through all the shit you put me through. I could care less about money anymore but I'm done with all this bullshit. You love Ryan or you don't. You want me or you don't. Stop dragging me around like I'm just going to ride along willingly until you figure yourself out." He spits this at me like an ultimatum. 

"Then leave!" I regret each syllable as the words exit my mouth.

"Gladly." He starts to walk away.

"Fuck you!" I light the cigarette and take an unhealthily long drag. The door slams closed and echoes through my mind. My fingers shake uncontrollably and two cigarettes are ash before five minutes pass. "I don't need him, I have Sarah, why should I even care anymore?" I think. "Oh god I fucked this up, oh god I fucked this up, I really fucked this up, I really..." The longing for nicotine rots my core, makes my veins pulse in agony, writhing agony, begging for pain relief no amount of nicotine in the world can cure. "I just won't talk to him. I'll just go to bed..." I light another cigarette and walk out in a white rage. The air outside is fresh and heavy. Somehow harder to breathe because it isn't smoke filled. I run my fingers through my slack hair and look up at the sky, not a single star in sight, just a smoggy California night. I don't even notice the shouting until I round the corner.