Feelings

one

October 14, 2019

i'm currently laying down overthinking. i'm the type of person to overthink everything and then it gets to me more then it should.

that thing i'm overthinking is a guy that i've gained feelings for. We first met a few months ago, he wanted to hangout and at first i was 'ehh' because i wasn't attracted to him. i'm sad to admit but i'm the type of person to first go for someone based off looks. i also have a type (brad & chads) which at first i didn't think he fit. however i agreed to hangout with me, so he picked me up and we got food. he took my back to his parents place because he goes out of state so we was visiting.

if i am completely honest i didn't think i'd fall for him. hell i didn't even think i'd hangout with him a second time. that night we ended hooking up though and it was good. we continued hooking up. we got comfortable with each other whether it be us hanging out, snapchating, or texting. we knew about each other and how we were. he was a smart frat boy who parties and does drugs, and tends to sleep around a little. i was a sorority girl who loved to party, and also have fun with guys too. no judgement was there, or if it was it wasn't taken serious.

the moment i realized i had feelings for him was one night he was tipsy and wanted to hangout. so i picked him up and we drove around until we found a quiet place to park. it was around 12am when i picked him up. we talked, and played different types of music to each other. it wasn't till hours later like 3am when he started to make the move on me. i was nervous as if he hasn't been inside of me before. he would place his head on my shoulder as i rested it on the armrest. but then finally i gave it and then we had sex. that hook up was when i realized i had feelings for him. i'm pretty sure i cried later that night because i hated myself for doing it.

i knew i couldn't have feelings because he's gone 9/12 months of the year for school. i would never put myself though that nor someone else. it's not like he has feelings for me anything. he seems like the type to be able to contain his feelings and know separate them from sex.

however there are times that i think to myself he may also like me. but we've both been vocal on how dating in college is a mistake. but i wouldn't mind being able to claim him. back to what i was saying before. small moments like him showing concern when i'm sick or going to the hospital, or when i'm crying. or him calling me out for leaving him on open for hours, or me telling him the dumb shit i did on a night out.

For a little background i'm the type of girl who likes a lot of people, or has multiple crushes and find a lot of guys hot or good looking. however that's all they turn out to be. but there are a total of 4 guys including this guy well call "crackhead" that i've actually gained feelings for.

i'll probably bring them up at some point but right now my feelings or with this guy and i'm sad and mad at myself for having them for him.