Feelings

two

october 15, 2019
4:14pm

last night around midnight i decided to do my hair. i gave myself suddel highlights and i like the way they turned out. i couldn't sleep and did not till around 3 am.

i'm currently writing a paper that is past due for a class, so let's hope i still get a decent grade on it. cause i need to lol.

However, recently i've been obsessed with tarot general reading videos on youtube. for example the ones where it's like "pick a card to see who's crushing on you" or "pick a card to see what the other person is thinking of you". i know it's just generalized information that gets you thinking however i still find them interesting.

i watched one this morning titled "pick a card to see who you'll end up with" and it was basically giving characteristics of someone that you'll potentially ended up with. while i was watching i couldn't help my mind comparing though things to him.

the crackhead i have feelings for. sometimes i fear he'll someone find this and figure out its me and send me a screenshot of this or just find it weird/creepy and stop talking to me. but i pray that doesn't happen.

however, recently too i've been finding this other guy attractive. let's call him freshman, because he's a freshman in college. i've hooked up with him a few times and it's been good. out thing to do is watch movies (scary mainly) or some youtube videos of someone we both now like.

he sleeps over every time and at first i was just using him for sex. i still feel like i'm using him for affection and comfort because i personal don't having any feelings towards him and i know he likes me. i feel bad morally, however i think he knows what he got himself into. i like cuddling so he does like, he rubs my back, kissed my forehead, calls my cute/pretty, plays with my hair, and overall gives me attention. In return i'll snapchat him, play with his hair, and have sex with him. but that's it.

hell sometimes i don't even wanna have sex with him i just want the attention he gives me so i invite him over just for that. when i tell my friends this i say i don't having feelings towards him. however, i'm scared that i might but at this moment i don't whatsoever have genuine feelings for him. yeah i'll admit at times i find him attractive, but other times i don't.

shit, now that im writing this i think i might be using him as a replacement for crackhead.

oh shit i'm in this deep with crackhead.