Feelings

five

October 28, 2019 2:43 am

last night i went out and had a good time but sometimes after a night of partying/drinking i tend to get into my feelings and cry or reflect on things.

this time is after about crackhead. i cried to my friend which is something i rarely do. a little background on me. i HATE showing emotion, growing up i was a big baby, however i also grew up being picked on which taught me to be tough which is something i always put on in front of people or my family. My sister jokes about how i don't have emotions or i'm "heartless" which at times i agree because i don't like to cry to people or tell them what i'm going through at the moment if it's sad. i'm just like that. Also, when i go to my friends about thing sometimes they talk to me a little about it but don't really TALK to me, they just say small things and then the topic is changed. that's sad because there my BEST FRIENDS. i should be able to talk to them yet sometimes i don't want to bother them, or i feel like they don't care. so when i cry it's usually when i'm alone, or just really drunk.

Last night was actually the first time i cried to my friend/roommate about him and my family.  (lol i'm getting emotional rn) and it felt so fucking nice. She has been my friend for like a over a year, and i never cried to a friend like that. Not even my one of my best friend who i've know since like preschool which is sad/weird.

But that was a real eye opening experience for me because it made me realize i should be able to cry and not feel bad about it. it's a human thing, which is something i need to get over. She actually listening to me and let me talk to her about it even though she's been through so much worst/harder things. I love her so much, she is an a amazing person i have in my life.

anyways, after crying to her about that, i texted him saying that i like him (which i'm 98% sure he knew) and told him i need to get over him since he was kept leading me on and doing small shit or saying small shit that was hurtful or made me jealous and he knew that. So i sent him:

"lol hey like i think you already know this but i like you. And i may be making a big deal out of it but i'm gonna unadd you  for my own sake since i think that is the best thing rn, i wanted to be friends but i don't think it's a good idea for me at this moment. wish u the best"

i sent that then unadded him and changed my setting on snapchat where i can't receive messages unless i have them added. He still has be added as he views my posts i made to my story after doing so.

I also texted him personally before unadding him and crying about him but he hasn't read it not responded to it either so 🤷🏻‍♀️. I might be making a bigger deal out of it but at this point i don't care, and my friend says i'm not and that what i did was a good thing for me.

I didn't block him or anything he knows other ways to contact me if he really wants to he can. Also i was thinking "did i actually send it or did i just unadd him thinking i sent it" since i was really gone when i did it. but i'm not gonna add him back until i'm ready.