'Fire In Your Eyes' (Thorfinn x Reader) - Vinland Saga

Lide

I help drag and lift sacks, crates, barrels. Leading the group of men instructed by Lief to help me. They keep their distance from me, but we manage to clear the carts and fill our stocks within a couple of hours. The original lot hadn't ventured out enough to keep our stocks replenished and we were beginning to run out of food, but this Askeladd guy had brought enough food and drink to keep us going for a good 5-6 months, if these gluttons can exercise any form of self control. 

"Weeks of pillaging this is! We've been needing somewhere to settle so to show our unyielding gratitude, what's ours is now yours!" Askeladd exclaims to Gorm as he circles the camp admiring the handiwork of everyone who, under Gorm's strict orders, had been hastily rushing around building tents and new housing structures, cutting down trees, my beautiful trees, and rounding up enough firewood and kindling to make a fire so big I genuinely think these idiots might just burn the entire village down.

Gorm guffaws and slaps Askeladd on the back "Get your head out my ass Askeladd! We know you've suffered heavy losses! Take what you need and make sure you lend us a hand when we need it!"

 Askeladd smirks and hits Gorm back with equal force making Gorm grunt, he rubs his neck and laughs. Sometimes watching these animals interact like normal people brings me some sort of weird comfort.

 I stare at Gorm laughing and see Carden with his throat slit, blood pouring down his pale body. Fuck. Stop. He's not there. Breathe! It isn't real. I turn my back away from the men and move out of sight, making my steps as even as possible to not arouse suspicion. I need to get back inside! They can't see me like this! I weave through the men and take a route I know behind the huts, I pick up the pace as I fade from sight. Almost there. Breathe. One, Two, Three, Four- Oof! I've walked straight into something. Nope. Someone. It's the blonde one from before.

He's staring at me with that scowl again. Oh fuck not you again. I don't have time for a staring match I need to get away from everyone. The hatred and pain is rising in my chest and I can feel myself on the verge of breaking down. I can hear Luella's scream in my head. Move (y/n) move! 

I break first, taking a step to his left to get away but he steps to his left too blocking my path. What the fuck is his deal? Does he know? I look at his face again and snarl at him, he's only slightly taller than me and not at all intimidating, not compared with what I've had to deal with. His eyes are darting around my face then my body, up then down again. I feel my chest rising and falling with each unsteady breath. Shit. He knows. He has definitely figured it out already. I only have my dagger in my boot. He has two daggers on him, front and back, he will definitely be faster than me if it came to a fight.

As I try to figure out my next move I notice he's stopped scowling which completely disarms me, he looks so different for a moment. He sighs and slowly starts to move closer to me. Fuck! No! Not again! "MOVE!" I growl at him as I push past him and sprint, taking a hard right turn down the path I know has me 12 huts away from my own.

I don't look back or slow down, I can't hear him chasing me. Why did he do that if he isn't going to chase me? What did he want?  Tears are streaming down my face and I really can't hold it together anymore. 

I crash through my door and slam it shut tightly. Face and hands pressed against it. I can't breathe deep or slow. I let everything I've felt all day go, choking on each breath, tears burning my eyes, letting myself slowly fall to the ground. It hurts. Everything fucking hurts. I'm so alone here. Acting like I'm one of them now? Helping THEM? My family would be so disappointed. Alcott would be so angry... Luella would hate me. They all probably do, wherever they are. They are watching me. Cursing me. I don't want to be here Grandma. I don't want to live! Please just let me go. Let me leave.

I sob, heavy and loud, at this point I don't care if anyone hears me. 

I want this habit to stop,  the amount of times it happens in a day has definitely decreased over the past few months. But there are time's where I am unable to leave this hut at all, plagued by the images of Luella.. Alcott... I let myself starve if I have to. Grandma. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't even be here. 

I lie balled up in that spot by the door for at least  an hour, my trance disturbed by the low rumbling in my stomach. I wash my face, drink as much as I need to replenish the tears I shed and grab some dried salted meat. Curling up into bed I nibble at it and wait for dusk.

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Thanks for reading guys~!

One thing I feel so necessary to add to this is to add the effects of mental health to these situations, even writing some of these scenes triggers my anxiety. I can only imagine what my girl is going through! She is indeed strong, but we all have that side that is fragile. But don't worry... our girl gets even stronger!