Midnight

25. Darkest Hour

Unrecognizable burning spirit staring back at me in every reflection. With no energy to extinguish, I watched her burn. Everything moved except me. I stayed still. Mentally exhausted. I laid still.

I suspected Ethan was hacking into everything to find me. I knew he was very skilled with technology but I wasn't sure of all his capabilities. And I felt positive that if he wanted to find me he could. I haven't been to work in three days for the fear of running into him. His face...his name could cause a powerful relapse. It was hard to believe that Ethan and I were no longer.

The look on everyone's face once they find out my permanent smile was the effects of a married man. The thought made my stomach sick. I was sick. These were my darkest hours. They felt like withdrawals. My body was rejecting the truth. I didn't want to wake up anymore. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to keep trying. I wanted to give up. I wanted to go disappear. I wanted to be alone.

I screamed out every night, clinging to my pillow for life. I think I'm having dreams again, well nightmares or even hallucinations. My heart was constantly racing. Tremors and headaches, waking up in cold sweats with the need to vomit. I levitated when I walked. Why did he do this to me? Why am I suffering?

Lorissa and Randy would come by the motel to try to feed me, but nothing stayed down. Not when I thought about how he lured me to tell him how I felt, only to prove me right. That no man will ever love me in return. I was cursed. Carlton made it clear that I was unlovable. And now Ethan.

"You have to get back to your life, Cala." Lorissa said while polishing my nails on the small round table in my motel room. "You're going to have to face him at some point. It's unrealistic to think you can live like this."

"I don't and I can." I stared absentmindedly into space.

"I don't see why we're hiding out. If he's as smart as you say, he knows we're at the damn La Quinta Inn." Randy stated while sitting on the bed, reading the Cosmo magazine he found on the nightstand. He scanned briefly and flicked the pages lightly. I didn't care for what he or anyone else had to say.

"Yea... bringing down terrorists by hacking into their shit is badass. I agree with Randy. Maybe he has given up." Lorissa dipped the brush back into black polish bottle and continued her painting. Taking her nails to remove any excess polish from around my cuticles.

"Can you two not mention him again." I was a bitch to my friends who had only left my side to go to work. They've tried relentlessly to jump my mood. They've tried board games, movies, work related gossip. Nothing has helped I've been in this lucid world. I knew he was bad. I wish I would've followed my instincts. I wish I would've stuck to the plan. Now, look at me. Used.

Breathing was much harder now. It was something I had to constantly think about. Everyday. Every hour. Every second.

Randy verified what we both had feared for some time now. Even though he was set on his gaydar reading. I needed tangible proof. With only a couple of text messages, Randy was able to deliver. Lorissa didn't want to hear any talk about Mike. She said that we both couldn't be miserable and crying. One of us had to be sane. Selfishly, I needed to change focus.

"I'm better now, Lorissa. Let me tell you about Mike." She twisted the cap onto the bottle. Her objecting hazel eyes looked to mine, sighing tiredly. Randy closed the magazine and sat up nervously crossing his legs in a ladylike manner.

"No.... you're not." I have to be the easiest person to read.

"I am. Now the situation with you is eating me up. That's what's bothering me now."