For you, i will

chapter X

the time since that night in the hotel room had been short, yet shane and ryan's relationship had progressed quite a lot. in the few weeks that had elapsed since then, shane had officially moved in with ryan and the two had talked quite openly about their feelings towards each other. the words they had held within them, the kisses forbidden for so long, were all gushing out at a pace that any new relationship would deem too fast. but shane and ryan knew each other in a deeper way. they had been best friends for an incredibly long time, meaning that the gaps, often found in new relationships, were filled with their past memories together.
there was, however, one aspect of the couple's relationship that had not yet progressed. they were not actually together, shane and ryan. the past few weeks for them had consisted of an ecstatic type of love, and yet any moment ryan mentioned the topic of making things between them official, shane would promptly, and awkwardly, attempt to change the subject. in truth, shane was scared; not only of his impending mortality, but also of being in a public relationship. shane had only been with one other man prior to ryan, and that would have been lucifer; so, in short, he was not quite ready to be out to the world yet. even to himself, his sexuality was somewhat of a mystery, and he hadn't made many attempts to try and understand it. all he realized was that he liked ryan, he liked him as more than a friend, and that was enough for him.

shane could perhaps have saved himself the trouble of arguing with ryan that night had he told the man prior why he was not ready to be public yet. but shane, like usual, had kept his thoughts to himself, and ryan had never realized the reasons behind shane's evasive answers.
it had actually started as a lovely evening. the two were having dinner together in ryan's apartment, and ryan had prepared apple taters as some form of an appetizer for them to indulge in.

"do you wanna go to the park tomorrow?" ryan asked shane. "maybe we could go on a date afterwards?" he casually added.
"yea, maybe. hey ryan have you been on youtube lately? i heard about this new video shane dawson put out. we could watch it after dinner."
"or we could go out for ice cream."
"yea.. we could. but it's pretty late. and we've had a long day at work."
at this point, ryan was done casually placing hints. though he refused to be candid, he decided to be more direct.
"speaking of work, i heard the holiday party is coming up in a few months. do you want to go together? as a couple?" he clarified.
"ryan..." shane trailed off. he had no excuse.
ryan lost it.
"ryan what? are you ashamed of me shane? do you not want to be seen with me? it appears that you only want me for the sex, not for being in a relationship! i confessed to you and laid my heart out here in the open for you, and you act like i'm your friend with benefit. i can't believe i thought—" ryan's tears cut him off, and shane raised and hand to place on ryan's should in an attempt to comfort him.
"ryan it's not that..."
"i don't care what lie you have to say this time shane. there's no actual reason why..."
"i'm not out!" shane couldn't control his voice, and he could see ryan's expression change at the severity of it.
"i'm not out ryan." he repeated, more softly this time.
ryan, realizing what was going on, was mad at himself for jumping to conclusions. he should have trusted shane.
"shane i'm so sorry i didn't realize."
"yeah, i know you didn't. let's just go to bed, i think we've both had too long of a day."
shane was upset at himself for being immature and refusing to communicate, but he couldn't help it. he couldn't say what he needed to, not even to himself. he got up from the table, leaving dinner uneaten. they had both lost their appetite anyway.
•••
it was a new day, and things between the couple were much less tense. they decided they would go to the park like they had initially planned, though the date afterwards remained an ambivalent choice in shane's hands.
the pair walked side by side, and to any onlooker they seemed like a pair of old college time friends, perhaps roommates, who were hoping to catch up about life. but they were so much more.

the crispness of autumn could be felt in the afternoon air. a few leaves were falling here and there, though so few that they were still conspicuous among the abundance of green. they sat down on a bench facing towards the sunset.
"i'm sorry about what i said last night." ryan began, "i shouldn't have assumed those things. i should have known you better. i know you so well. i should have trusted you."
"it's really okay. i'm sorry i hadn't told you sooner. i should be able to communicate better with you. i have just never really admitted it to myself, i guess." after some silence, he continued. "but ryan..." shane turned himself to face the man. "i really do want to be with you. officially."
ryan, at these words, felt his eyes filling with tears. they were the kind of tears you felt when you were so exultant your emotions overflowed. but he couldn't let himself be selfish now.
"shane, you know i want to be with you too. i'm sure i made that very obvious" he chuckled while wiping away a single tear. "but i want you to be ready. i don't want to pressure you. i'm perfectly happy with having you in my life just like this. i can wait."
shane took hold of ryan's chin and turned it up to his. he leaned closer to him. there were people around them, something that before would have given shane great anxiety. but he didn't care now. the only person here who mattered was ryan.
he leaned in even closer to ryan, about to kiss, only hesitating to say one thing.
"i should be proud to call you mine."

~hey y'all, avia here! first off, wow this is crazy how have so many people read my cheesy story?? thank you guys so much for the support! second, i wanted to convey an important message to everyone, in honor of last week being national coming out day. as a member of the lgbtq+ community, i understand that for many it can be hard to come out. the first time i told anyone i was bisexual, i broke down crying out of relief, because i had never said it out loud before. only come out when you are truly ready to do so. there is no correct way to, and there is no incorrect way to. and remember, you don't need a label to be yourself. love y'all so much! thanks again for reading~~