Mantra

4

I dont have a scale so I dont regularly see my weight but I've gained 20 pounds since I got out of band/guard and that makes me feel .-.

I look in his body mirror, he's not back yet so I just look at myself.

I hate this person looking back at me.. I'm so fake, nothing about me is me. I dye my hair brown because my hair is naturally black. People said I looked emo so I had to change..

Back in middle school I hated preppy kids.. they are so annoying and aren't interesting. Vic's a preppy guy.. I like him. Why do I like him? Because he's hot..

How would a relationship be with him? I'd always have to be fake or he would hate me.. would he hate me if he saw my scars?  Of course.. everybody would..

Why does Vic not seem like the best choice anymore? Oli would be worse. Oli is violent, a bad boy, skips school, a loser, I'd be a loser to. It would ruin my reputation. It's not like he would accept me for me either because he only likes my body..

I put down my backpack and continue to look at myself in the mirror. I'm so ugly, inside and out.

"Okay so-" Oli starts talking scaring me to death. I turn around and give him a surprised look. He stops and chuckles.  "Your cute when your not being a snob. But I was saying I have weed and alcohol. Want to drink and smoke or just one or the other?" He holds out a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a bong.

"Just smoke," I say and he sits on the edge of his bed so I get on his bed after taking off my Tom's. My socks are black with skulls on them. Oops, I'm glad a popular person didn't see them.

Oli looks at them for a second and the continues to get the bong ready. "Everything that happens in here your keeping to yourself right? You not going to ruin my reputation by telling people I'm gay and smoke right?" Fuck, I just clarified that I am in fact gay.

He looks at me and I'm just I look worried because I am. "I am a asshole but I promise I wont," he says and then sets the bong on a table he moved up to the bed. "Ladys first," he says and gives me the lighter. I smile a little and lean over and take a hit and pull away and start coughing.

"Fuck, it's been so long since I smoked." I say as I give him the lighter trying to breathe normal.  "Aw, that's adorable," he says and the takes a hit. I roll my eyes and take a hit this time not coughing. I blow the smoke in his face and he smiles.

I'm really a lightweight when it comes to smoking or drinking. So after a few more hits I'm high. I don't think Oli is but he puts down the lighter and faces me.

"Okay so talk to me, why are you so bitchy?" He says and I make a face at him. I'm not bitchy.. okay maybe I am.

"So I can be popular," I say and lay down and look at his ceiling.  Everything is swaying and I can definitely feel the high relax my mind. I'm not so anxious anymore.

"Why is popularity so good?" Oli ask and the he moves my legs so they are bend and my feet are flat on his bed. I don't really care it's neat to feel him touch me as I'm high.

"You don't get bullied when your friends with the bullies," I say and he crawls on top of me. My face heats up but I dont move. He looks at me in the eyes. Yeah he doesn't look high. But I am.

"I'm high, sorry if I'm to honest," I say. I somehow cant lie when I'm high. That's another reason I dont get high often.

"I like it, so why do you dislike people like me?" He asks and his hand goes up my shirt. Oh? I let it happen. I like the sparks and fire feeling that happens when his hand touches my stomach and sides.