Letters To My Betrothed

8th of September 1549

To My Betrothed,

         My father and mother's love story is not a smooth and easy.  That's why, I always knew that loving is not always rainbow after the rain, not forever and always.  What I never expect is the pain.  I never thought this could be painful as hell.

         It’s been almost two weeks since the dinner but nothing has changed. You still give me cold shoulder every time our path crosses.  When you see me, you walk in different path, stare at me with stranger's eyes. Sometimes, you just bowed at me and walked away.  I felt like I am a worthless royalty who uninvitedly visit your country, not your betrothed.

          Did I do something?  

          A lot of things and questions are floating in my mind.  The insecurity is slowly and steadily creeping and growing in my heart.  I was so lost and confuse why this is happening. Is there something wrong with me?

          These past days I can’t eat and sleep properly, you’re occupying my thoughts heavily.  I am so silly and naive to think that we will have a happy ending like my father and mother.  I should have expected that everything has changed.

           One day, I decided I had enough of this overthinking and chasing.  I search for you in the garden to talk to you.  I don't know if it is a blessing or curse. I will never forget the day I knew why you are like this.   Because that day, I knew the reason why we can't be together.

             It was 6th of September, the day you broke my heart in pieces and shattered the dreams and plans I have for us for all these years.  I can never forget the feeling, I am a soldier, wounded, left in the battle along to die. I wanted to walk away but my feet are planted on the ground.  It is bad to eavesdrop but curiosity overcomes me.

            Your voice is so sweet like a rare honey but your words is like a sharpened arrow, piercing my heart, killing me slowly in every word you said. 

            'I love her.  I will always be in love with her.  I will break this betrothal so I can marry her and make her my Queen.  If someday I have to give up my throne to be with her, I will, gladly.' You said.

           No matter how much I tried, it keeps replaying in my head and repeatedly killing me in the process.

            You are in love.

            In love with another woman.

            You shouldn’t love another woman but me.  I am your betrothed, your future wife and queen. But the way you describe her, I can really feel that you love her and it slaps me with reality that I can never have your heart.

             I don’t know her and I wish I will never know her. I envy her, I have the most precious crown in the world but she has your heart, the one thing I’d die to have.  You have so much amusement and love in your voice, she makes you laugh and happy even though she’s not here with you.  I wanted badly to be the reason why your smile and laugh but I was too late.

             Too late.
  
             She's a lucky woman.  To have a man give up his throne and to throw away the England's princess.

             I wanted to fight for you, to fight for my love but this is not worth fighting for.  I lost before the battle began.

Elizabeth Tudor