Panic // Billie Eilish

E L E V E N

Billie POV

My hands constantly slip on the wheel as I'm driving home. The thought of what just happened is making my sweat glands produce excessive amounts.

I feel disgusting. Sick to the stomach. Everything is aching. Nothing feels right.

What the fuck have I done?

My thoughts are cut off by a call. It's Conan.

I hesitantly accept the call, before tightening my grip on the wheel to gain more control. I need to make sure I keep calm on this phonecall. I'm not ready to talk about what just happened.

"Hey Bil, how'd everything go?"

"Uh, yeh it was fine... Talia is at home" I stutter, going back to gnawing the inside of my cheek.

"You alright? Was she mad or something?"

"It was fine Conan" I sigh, not wanting to talk about it.

"It was the right thing to do Bil. Even if she didn't want to leave, it was not smart of her to go in the first place"

"Uh, yeh, you're right. Sorry I gotta go, my Mom's calling" I lie, before hanging up straight away.

When I get home, I collapse onto my bed, staring up at the roof.

"Where'd you go?" I look up to see Finneas leaning on my door frame.

"I just had to do something" I mutter, dropping my head back down on my bed.

"You okay?"

"Nah bro"

"You wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head, and he's about to close the door when I speak up.

"No Finneas, I don't wanna talk about it" I reply, tearing up.

"You sure? You're not gonna get over it by hiding it in your brain"

"No, I don't wanna talk about how I made someone I care about so much, feel like complete and utter shit. I don't wanna talk about how I only did that because I'm too much of a pussy to admit something to myself and other people who are close to me"

Finneas walks over and lays down on my bed beside me, looking up at the roof as well.

"Whatever, and whoever it is, give yourself some time, to admit that something to yourself"

"I don't know if I can Fin. I don't want SHIT TO CHANGE AGHH" I shout, cupping my hands over my face as I sit up.

"I think, what you probably don't realise, is that change occurs without consideration of conscious thoughts. Just give yourself time to adjust Bil"

I turn my head to look at Finneas, allowing my tears to fall down the bridge of my nose. I let myself fall onto him and he puts his arm around me. He's good at this sort of thing. Just being there for me. Even if we are both silent. He knows how to be there.

I wish everything I've done wrong could just disappear.

But that's not how life works. No matter how much I want it to disappear, it won't, and thinking about how I handle stress, I will most likely just make everyone's pain worse.

_

Talia's POV

I've been wrapped up in my duvet covers, like a burrito, for roughly a week now. I ended up having a long, detailed conversation with Mom, telling her everything, including how I think i'm bisexual or gay. Having been the most supportive parent out of the two, throughout my whole life, she told me that she just wanted me to be happy, whoever that may be with.