Sara's Autistic History Report

THE IMPALER

6

My history report would not be complete without mentioning Vlad the Impaler. Not only did he have one of the sweetest mustaches in all of history, but he is the reason we have Dracula. In 1897 Bram Stoker wrote Dracula and it is said that he got his inspiration, at least in part, from Vlad the Impaler. So I guess you could say that Vlad is responsible for a big percentage of the shitty movies out there.

Of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula is much different than the modern day shitty vampire movies. You know what I am talking about. The good looking vampires who stay young and beautiful forever. They all have superhero powers and some form of genetic mutation so they can run around in the daylight; but, for some reason, they are always depressed because it's so difficult to be immortal and young forever. I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about it. When are they going to stop telling that same story?

Before I go any further, I should probably explain to my fellow classmates, if they are even listening, that Vlad the Impaler was not an actual vampire. I can already see students "snap chatting" that vampires are real. Vlad the impaler was a 15th century ruler in, what is today, the country of Romania. He is seen by many to be a Romanian historical hero who fought for the independence of Romanian lands against foreign invaders. He decided to fight the mighty Ottoman Empire instead of pay tribute to them.

Under his rule, there was virtually no crime. Some say that his ruthlessness was necessary to bring order and stability to a fractured nation. Many historians regard him as a military genius. One of his famous tactics was to set up ambushes and use horses for a speedy and quick attack. He would quickly attack a larger army, do as much damage as possible, and then retreat. It was guerrilla warfare in the 15th century and a very successful tactic, especially when you are severely outnumbered in soldiers and supplies. Many times Vlad had to fight to push the Ottomans out of his land. If Vlad was forced to retreat, he would burn down his own villages so the the Ottomans could not use them. He would poison wells and kill the livestock of his own people before he would let the Ottomans control it.

In 1462, Vlad earned his name the Impaler by impaling around 20,000 prisoners in one sitting. It is said that there were so many people impaled that it looked like a forest of dying people. The history books are full of the atrocities committed by Vlad. In one story it was told that some Ottomans were sent by the Sultan to speak with Vlad. Vlad demanded that the Ottomans remove their turbans from their heads as a sign of respect. When the Ottomans refused, Vlad nailed the turbans to their head. For some reason that story sticks in my head. The other day, I went to a fellow students house and I was told I had to take off my shoes before coming in. I did not want to take off my shoes at first, but then I remembered the Ottoman story.

I imagine that not all the atrocities committed by Vlad are true, but he definitely left his mark in the history books. Today, we would describe Vlad as a tyrant and a dictator. In my imagination, Vlad the Impaler gave a TED Talk on how to be a dictator. Again, for my fellow classmates, a TED Talk is a non profit organization that is designed to spread ideas around the world using guest speakers. What follows is Vlad the impaler's TED Talk:

Thank you everybody! For me, it is a great honor to be here talking to you. I am Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia. I am also called Vlad Dracula, in honor of my father, or most people know me as Vlad the Impaler. I am here today to talk about how to become a dictator. That is just a fancy way to say, "how do I get all power and rule everything." That is the question that we will answer today.

To become a dictator, It certainly helps to be born into a ruling family. I was born into a ruling family. My father was Vlad II Dracul and he ruled Transylvania. My father received the name Dracul after being inducted into the Order of the Dragons, a military order supported by the Holy Roman Emperor. Basically, the Holy Roman Emperor Sigismund was hoping that my father could protect Christians against the encroaching Muslims. It is in my father's honor that I call myself Vlad Dracula.