Recovery

Guilt

Jace wrapped his arms around him slowly. He was doing it with a caution that Alec didn't know from his brother. But he was thankful for it, since he was still feeling pain in his chest and pressure would increase it.

"Alec I am so sorry," Jace's voice was cracking like he was holding back tears. And Alec understood why. He might not have been conscious of what he was doing when he had killed Jocelyn but he knew the feeling of guilt. Blaming yourself for the things a demon made you do to someone.

Only that it must have been worse for Jace. Alec hadn't particularly liked Jocelyn and he couldn't remember doing it. He had only seen it after it had happened. But the Owl had made Jace harm his own brother, made him watch while it was happening. The thought made him feel sick. Jace didn't deserve such suffering.

"It wasn't you Jace," he reassured without letting go of his parabatai yet "It was the Owl. You don't have to apologize. I know that you would never hurt me." He tried to talk with a soothing voice, to let Jace know that he really didn't blame him. 

His parabatai pulled away from Alec, to look at him. There were tears in his eyes, but he nodded, taking a deep breath "Don't you want to sit down? You can't be all healed up already," even though Jace talked in his usual demeanor the guilt in his voice was plain as day. He still blamed himself.

Alec nodded, ignoring the light feeling of hunger. He could eat later, this was more important. With that they sat down at the bed, facing each other. But Jace didn't really look at him, his eyes were hovering over the bandages that covered Alec's exposed chest. A stark reminder of the arrow that had been driven into the fair flesh.

"Jace don't look there," he asked, looking for something to cover it up. But his brother listened to him and met his gaze. Jace seemed so broken, that he felt like taking him into his arm again already.

"How are you feeling?" Alec asked. He knew that Jace wasn't one to talk about emotions, just like he himself was with everyone but Magnus or occasionally Izzy. But he wanted to help his brother with this, help him get through this. They were parabatai for a reason.

"Like it's all my fault," Jace admitted, without looking at him "Possessing those mundanes, killing Imogen, battering you, Clary..." Alec remembered the day before his wedding when they had had a heart to heart like this. With other problems, that seemed like decades away now.

"All of this was Lilith. Jace, you're not responsible for what happened," he tried reassuringly, knowing that it was hard to stop someone from blaming themselves in cases like this. He had been through it. As much as he wished words like those could stop the guilt, they didn't, maybe for the moment but it would take time and reflection for the feeling to go away.

"But that's not why I'm here Alec," he started talking and looked back at his brother, his eyes once more coming to a rest on the bandages for a second before looking at him directly "How are you doing? I'm so glad Catarina was there to help you...she said if she had come a few minutes later you could have..."

Alec stopped him midsentence "Jace, don't go there, okay? I'm fine, I'm here, I'm alive." He smiled slightly at his brother's nod to this, there was no point in thinking about 'what if's'.
"And I am doing good. I don't even feel that much pain anymore. I'm sure I'll be back on the field in a day."

That seemed to soothe him for the moment, even though the guilty look didn't fade. Alec could feel how bad Jace was doing, how much he was suffering because of everything that had happened. And he saw no way of helping him.

Both Shadowhunters turned around when the door opened once more. Magnus walked in, looking more rested than before. "Am I interrupting something?" he asked, in his usual manner.

Jace got up before he had the chance to answer "Not at all. I imagine you two want some space." Alec feared that his brother thought himself not deserving of occupying him when anyone else was here. But Jace walked out of the room before he was able to stop him.

Magnus came to sit beside him, at the place his brother had been seconds ago. "You look better. How are you holding up?" he asked, a caring tone in his voice.

"I am good Magnus," he answered, making no effort to hide the concern in his voice "But how are you?" He had no way of knowing how it felt to get your magic taken away from you, but he could imagine that it wasn't a pleasant feeling. Maybe it felt similar to losing a parabatai? Like there was a void in you that nothing could close? Magic had been a part of Magnus' life hundreds of years after all. And now it was gone.

"I suppose it will take some time to get used to...this," Magnus said, looking down at his empty hand. Alec lifted his hand to let it rest on Magnus' shoulder. Since it was the injured one it sent a little sting through his arm, but it was nothing he couldn't handle, hiding the slight pain was no difficulty.

"Whatever you need, I'm here for you," he assured Magnus, hopeful that his love would talk to him when something was troubling him. He sadly had a tendency to keep things inside as to not burden Alec, or affect his decisions. Of course, they had talked about it, but that didn't mean that Magnus wasn't going to do it again.

"I know, thank you, Alexander," Magnus replied with a smile, now looking at him once again "I'm glad that you're doing better. Catarina always was a true lifesaver."

Alec smiled back, hopeful that Magnus would be honest about his feelings. He had given up part of who he was to save Jace. Alec had no idea how to show him how thankful he was for that.

***

If you liked this chapter/story please consider giving it a vote or comment. Thanks for reading!

This chapter was a bit shorter than the others because a lot of the aftermath is handled in season 3B. I just really wanted to include that Jace also feels guilty for what the Owl did to Alec. Since we all know that he feels responsible for the things Lilith made him do.

For those who are interested: My next story will once again be Malec and follow their married years in gaps of around 10 years. Kinda like one-shots scattered through the years. It will be Show version, but with book characters.

If you are interested in alternate universe stories my story "Take Me Away" might be something for you.