Moving Forward

I Have Pride.

a passage from the princess saves herself in this one by amanda lovelace made me realize some things today:

you were sent down from the stars

exactly the way you were supposed to be —

the way you would love,

the way you would lust,

& the way you would find your wings —

& no one should have been given the power to take that away from you.

      — you deserve your pulse

everything happens for a reason. things fall apart and things are put back together. not everything is perfect, nor are any of us perfect.
i'm into only females and that's okay. i shouldn't be afraid of being shunned by people.
i know what i want and i know who i am. it took some time, but i'm happy i found a part of myself that i'm confident in. i'm happy for me.

i've questioned my sexuality since middle school (i know this bc i had a crush on my bestfriend in 5th grade, she was straight ..)
and i've been kinda fluctuating between the scale since then. i came out in 8th grade that i was bisexual; i knew i liked girls but i thought i still wanted to be with a guy too .. but then came 10th grade, when i became the Umbrella Project's Vice president, and i decided i was pansexual. i didn't really care for what you had or who you are; if i lked you? i liked you.

then came a few weeks ago, after being able to think about myself and ask why certain things were wrong. "why doesn't it ever last? is there something wrong with me?" but then it hit me. all of the thoughts about every single thing that had happened to me in past relationships ended in one thing: i always ended it. i've always lost feelings or didn't connect anymore. i always stopped it. (the only acception to this is my first "real" girlfriend: it took a while after i stopped speaking to her to get over her ..) but that stopped happening with everyone else.
i can't really connect with men too much anymore. i guess it's maybe the ptsd or just me, but i don't think i could be with another man.
i wouldn't connect to him like i can connect with females; men don't attract me in a "love life" way anymore.

when i feel for someone, being emtionally attached is important. i have to be both physcially and emotionally attracted to try to be with someone. i can't really get emotionally attached to men like i can with women.
i just get uncomfortable instead.

so hi guys. my name is ashton and i'm proud to say that i'm a lesbian. i'm kind of out, but it's okay. everyone guessed it anyway, and that's okay too (:

p.s:
if you read this, hi i'm alive!! i've just been figuring things out the last few months ..
i hope everyone's having a great October!! i'll be writing more often now since i have my laptop back (:
if you're not out to your parents, it'll be okay. you can find support in your friends for now before you decide to go down that road.
if not? i'm here, and you can always message me or following my instagram that's linked to my profile. see you guys soon!!