Moving Forward

Hiraeth

definition: (n) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

what really is a hiraeth? is it a person, or a place? it could be a million things to one person. it can means so many things at once.

sometimes you can't return home.
the walls are burned with the ashes of what remains everywhere.
the paintings are broken, laying to the ground.
the furniture is in shambles: beds are destroyed, the clothes are ripped to pieces, and the mirror are shattered.
it's like there was a fire in the house.
you can go visit, but it'll never be the same. the walls will never stand with the créeme white impression of what existed before. the photos become a memory bc there aren't extra copies.
everything falls apart, especially if there's foundation that isn't stable enough to even hold it up in the first place.

foundation is very important in a home; it makes the home a real home.
"home sweet home" is just a corny reference on a sign until you find a place that feels like home.
two arms embracing you can be home.
someone's presence can be a home.
a heartbeat could be home.
anything. anything can be home.
it can be a person, or an actual place .. but even sometimes, the house you live in won't feel like home. that's okay, though.
that doesn't have to be a home.
a home has no boundaries.
someone can be a million miles away but still feel like home while you're hearing their voice or seeing their face or just sitting together in silence.
a home can mean a lot to someone.

losing a home means you lose the foundation. sometimes things crumble down upon you, or they can crumble beneath your feet causing you to watch yourself fall into an abyss.
sometimes, losing a home mean you may lose yourself. you'll find yourself again, but it won't ever be the same. you'll have to build your own home and that'll be hard for a while.

i'm homesick.
i miss a home i cannot return.
is it true that there maybe was never a home for me? what there ever really a home for me?
"the grief of lost places of your past" ..
does that mean i'll never have one again?
it'll never be as comfortable again?
it'll never be as warming again?
i can't recreate my past entirely, but i still have a few pieces left so i have to find out where to put them now. i'll make it, don't worry, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. you guys are gone, and it hurts.

i know that my home will never be the same again. i'll never hear from Max again. i'll never have my grandmother's embrace again. i'll never bounce off of Brayonna's positivity again. i have bits and pieces of them in myself but there aren't entire pieces. they aren't fully them, but i'll manage. i've managed before and i shall prevail again.
it's been the hardest thing i've ever had to do; say goodbye too early to the people i love. I've realized something though, no matter how much i feel or can't feel about it. no matter how much i may want to change everything, i've realized the truth.
that's life, and in life is death.