WISHING FOR AUTUMN | kth

07 | FALLING LEAVES

A SIGH SLIPPED past taehyung's lips as the conversations from his meeting replayed in his head. he glanced back at the door that led to the room where he'd left the other attendees with a heaviness in his chest. he certainly hadn't walked in hours ago expecting to feel torn, yet that was exactly what was happening.

reaching the end of the hallway, he pushed the front door of the building open. the chilly air eagerly embraced him, juxtaposing the warm tones of falling foliage that flittered in the air in waves and littered the ground. his eyes wandered over the view momentarily, wondering if the season would feel the same on another side of the world.

he backtracked when his eyes passed over something he was not expecting. at the bottom of the stairs were he was fixated, stood one of the reasons for the current conflict raging in his mind.

autumn's lips parted over her teeth, hands waving excitedly when she finally caught his attention. "tae! how did the meeting go?" her voice held the same level of enthusiasm that her body seemed to exude.

taehyung's hand remained firmly wrapped around the edge of the frosted glass door, eyes not moving from her almost jittery form. for a few seconds, he debated the possibility of a stress induced hallucination brought on by the outcome of the meeting. but he knew she was very much real, and very much in front of him.

"what—?" he swallowed the bubble that had lodged itself in his throat. "what are you doing here?" slowly, he let go of the door and stepped out fully. she paused, watching him for a moment with a tender smile on her face. "i really wanted to see you. and yoongi told me you'd be here." her voice was soft.

taehyung wished his mind didn't wander and his heart didn't flutter at her words, but they did. he descended the stairs slowly, eyes never leaving hers. "got something to tell me?" he blinked slowly. "wait, you were with yoongi?" his brows arched in surprise. "yeah, and jimin. i wanted their help with the script." she answered.

"and?"

"i'm still kind of stuck to be honest. yoongi has a way with words, maybe it's because he's a poet. but he did put things in perspective for me. jimin had to keep watering them down though." she laughed at the last bit.

"really? what did he say?" taehyung prompted their walk down the street. "he reminded me that writing is communicating feelings. the writer's mood mostly dictates the type of content they put out. that it'll be difficult for someone with a dark cloud hanging over their head to write something upbeat and cheerful." her voice dropped, hand slipping into his.

he glanced down at their intertwined hands and back up at her. "what's wrong?" he asked, a frown of worry marring his face when she clung to him. autumn avoided his gaze, eyes fixed on the pavement. "i don't know. he didn't outrightly say it, but it felt like yoongi was subtly referring to gavin." she said softly.

taehyung faltered in his steps at the mention of the name. he didn't need to be there to be certain that yoongi had indeed been referring to gavin. just the mere thought of that name had discomfort stifling him. he listened to the crunch of dead leaves beneath their feet, wishing he could undo this conversation.

"i still think about him. even more so lately." she confessed quietly, gaze fixated on the pavement scattered with brightly coloured leaves. "maybe it's because his birthday's coming up." she kicked up the leaves as she walked, rustling them out of their settled peace.

taehyung almost forgot. it was already november. the second month each year for the past three years that she had a difficulty handling. and suddenly, he understood why she was trying so hard to seem upbeat earlier.

"if it weren't for me, he'd be celebrating his twenty-fifth birthday in a couple of weeks." autumn said serenely. a gust of wind swept through, causing hair and clothes to billow and snatching dying leaves that barely held on to sickly branches as it made its way ahead.

taehyung stopped dead in his tracks, expression grim. "autumn," he called seriously, turning to face her. "you shouldn't say that." his eyes swirled with a host of emotions at once. "he would still be here if it hadn't happened. if i'd just been at the right place." she said. her eyes were glossing over, voice strangled by pain. "it's not your fault, autumn. it's not something you could have predicted. you couldn't have known. you don't control fate."

"i can't help the way i feel, taehyung." a tear rolled down her cheek. "it's constantly nagging at me. there are moments when i feel genuinely happy and i forget about him. but as soon as i remember, i feel even guiltier than before. it's so hard, but i can't have you guys worrying about me because it only makes me feel so sorry."

she pushed her hair back, the tears becoming a steady stream finding a path down her face. "i find the thought running through my head several times a day. that he died because of me. it should have been me who—"

"autumn!" he raised his voice, cutting her off. he was shaking and could already feel his own tears clouding his vision. his hands came up to cup her shoulders. "listen to me. you can't keep blaming yourself. you can't—" a surge of emotions bubbled in his throat, stopping him mid-sentence. he was shaking all over, the pain travelling from his heart to every part of his body.

"it wasn't because of you." his tears had begun to trace a warm path down his cheeks. it was the first time in three years she was opening up to him and he felt so out of his element, unsure of the right thing to say to her. "but if i hadn't been standing there..." she sobbed. "i was there. i saw everything." he reminded her. he was there, yet he'd been so unable to do anything. that bitter feeling resurfaced again.

"i would be doing something i love, or even the most mundane thing and the feeling that i'm living on stolen time just creeps up on me. gavin was supposed to have these last three years."

taehyung shut his eyes, feeling like a knife was being twisted in his chest. "if you keep talking like this, what am i supposed to do? what do i say?" he dropped his head, voice choked. his frustration only built, that he could do nothing for her. he couldn't think of anything he could do to help her.

"i'm sorry, taehyung. i still see his face. that moment always replays in my head so vividly. and i think of a million things i could have done differently. i know it's pointless, because there isn't anything i can do now except beat myself up about—"

overcome with emotion listening to her speak, taehyung suffered a lapse in judgment. and without thinking, he pressed his lips to hers in an attempt to shut her up. he pulled away almost immediately, realising what he had done. wide eyes staring at her equally rounded ones, he stepped back. "i'm sorry. i don't know what i was thinking. i wasn't thinking. i'm sorry." he rambled out.

one hand coming up to touch her lips, autumn continued to stare at him almost dazedly. then suddenly she ran off, leaving him to watch her hurry away from him, falling leaves dancing around her as the sun dipped behind the clouds.

he caught a russet leaf that flurried into his stunned view. staring at it for a moment, he let the wind snatch it out of his grip again. taehyung could catch a thousand falling leaves, but he knew that no luck they brought could undo what he'd just done. or make them magically happy again, even if it was just at surface level.