Misguided

17. The beginning of the end

"Hey... Caitlin... Please talk to me, I'm so sorry."
"There's nothing to talk about Thor."
"You can't be serious! I was the reason your child died! Maybe our child! I can't live with this guilt..."
"There's nothing to be sorry about! It wasn't even a child yet, not even a baby. A lump of flesh that had the possibility of becoming a living being, but it doesn't matter now does it!? It's gone!"

I hear him sob silently. This wasn't the first time Thor had visited my room and I doubt it'll be the last. Same with Loki. I'm honestly tired of seeing both of them here. I just needed peace for a little bit.

"Please, Caitlin forgive me."
"I have already accepted your apology from the first time. It wasn't what you meant to do. And the only thing you should really be sorry for is using me and all the other girls my age as toys. To be honest I'm sick of seeing your face, leave."
"But.."
"Leave! And tell the guards outside I'll not be having any visitors."

He turns back defeated. I don't know if I have just grown cold but he keeps getting more annoying. The door closes behind him. Finally peace. That's something I never have these days. I'm basically locked inside four walls without having time for myself. If something is going to drive me crazy it's this... if it hasn't happened already.
It's been two weeks since I lost my family. My mother, my baby and my partner. I know I shouldn't push Loki out of my life, but every time I see him, my stomach starts to hurt. It wasn't his fault nor Thor's fault nor mine. It was a good mix of all of us. But I guess I'm happy it happened. It made me realize that it was never going to work between me an Loki. There's this chaos Loki always brings with himself, wanted he it or not. And the biggest reason I was ready to just take him back was the child. I wasn't ready to have a child. I didn't want to rase it alone. So when Loki came to rescue when I was at my lowest point, of course I said yes. Maybe I love him a lot but I hate him more. I really wish I hadn't met him or Thor. Life would be so much easier. I should have just let him wipe my memory.

The door opens and I was ready to yell leave, but I see it's just a nurse. I relax.
"How are you feeling?"
"From loosing my baby to finding out I'm nearly paralyzed from the waist down, I'm good."
I say with a forced smile. She sees through my pain and I can see the pity on her face.
"How long do you think it'll take till I'm able to walk again?"
"Well it takes a lot of physiotherapy and hard work, so it's all on you if it takes a couple more weeks or a year."

I sink my head into the pillow. I wish I could teleport away. Or cure my back. Or both actually.
The nurse does her normal routine on my legs. Asking what I can feel and what not. I answer the usual: nothing. Little does she know, I have already been able to move my legs. Or that I tried to stand up and crashed on the floor and had to pull myself up to the bed again. I'm not going tell her though because I want to be able to leave without anyone knowing. At the moment I'm too weak but I will leave and no one can stop me if they don't know. I know they wouldn't let me leave, I know too much.

The nurse finally leaves. I try to sleep but the fright of nightmares keeps me up.

I stare at the sealing in the dark. I had nothing to do or nothing I could really do. Except trying to stand up again.
I lift my legs struggling on the edge of the bed. I take a deep breath and try to stand. Immediately I fall back on the bed. This time I'd be more careful and fall backwards and not forwards.
I try again and again and again. A couple more times for good measure. I wanted to scream the frustration out but I couldn't make a sound or the guards would come bursting in. I needed to get some sort of support but there was nothing around the bed I could grab.

A weird faint crash echoes from the door. It wasn't loud but it's the middle of the night and usually it's dead silence. There comes a creak from the door as it opens slowly. I quickly lay on the bed to pretend to be asleep. It's way too dark to see who entered the room. They step closer.
"Darling, I know you're up. The least you can do is say hi."
"No, it can't be! Is it really you Ikol!"
"Well, who else could it be?"
I don't know why but I was so happy to see her. I had missed her for some reason even though I hadn't really thought about her.

"Wait, how did you get in? They're guards at the door."
"Not anymore. Don't you think I'm able handle a couple weak guards? That's almost an insult."
"No that's not what I meant. How did you manage to do it without waking everybody up?"
"With skill and elegance."

She comes to sit on the edge of the bed and gives me a soft kiss.
"What happened to Loki?"
"Well, I heard what happened and Loki was at a weak point so I had the opportunity to come and see you. Of course I took it."
"Is he okay?"
"I think we both know that your relationship is harmful for both of you. And we both also know what you should do to not hurt him anymore."
"And what's that?"
"Come on I know you have been thinking about it. It's the only possible outcome that allows both of you to grieve in peace and have a new life."
"Do you really think I should leave to another realm?"
"Yes."

It did seem like the only option. If I tried to stay with Loki, my whole life would change. I would have to learn how to be part of royalty. And from what I heard Loki say was that his father is not accepting this whole situation or approving of the relationship. Well I wouldn't even call it a relationship anymore. It hasn't been that for awhile.
And I know for a fact that it wouldn't ever be peaceful between us. At the moment I don't want anything but something sturdy to keep me up and Loki can't be that because he needs a stand too. Someone whose stronger than me.
Well if Loki is not an option, turning back to my old life is even more impossible. This is a small world and I know I would see him again many times and my heart wouldn't be able to take it. So I have to leave the realm. Midgard is the only place where I can blend in without anyone noticing. So that's where I'll have to head.
Ikol lifts me up from the bed.
"I know this isn't an ideal situation but we know the faster you do it the better chance you have at succeeding."
"I can't walk yet."
"Yes you can, you just need a little support."

She takes my hands and waits for me to take the first steps. I start with very small steps and work my way up to a little longer ones. A couple of times I almost trip but she keeps me up. The walking hurts a lot but I push on forward.
"See, you can walk."
"I don't think I can walk long enough to get to the bifrost."
"I can only teleport you outside the castle but you need to get there on your own after that."
"You won't be there to guide me?"
"No I'm labeled as a safety hazard so if I even step on the bifrost, Heimdall will alert the guards. If you go alone, it's really unlikely.
"I will need a cane."
Out of nothing Ikol enchants me a walking cane. And immediately after that he teleports us outside.

"Why are you helping me?"
"Let's say for some reason I feel a connection with you and I want the best for you."

I give her a kiss before I start heading towards the bifrost.
I didn't want to leave her but I knew I had to. It would be the best for both of us.

Surprising that no one was there to stop me. The way was long but I managed to walk it with my whole body aching.
Heimdall had his back turned on me but he definitely knew I was here. I tap the cane on the bridge a couple of times to wake his attention more.
"I would want to go on Midgard."
"You know I can't allow that."
"Let me rephrase. I need to go on Midgard!"
"That doesn't change a thing."
"I can't stay either and you know exactly why."
I didn't want to cry but I felt tears falling down my cheeks. I wanted to be strong but at this point I had been broken so many times I just couldn't.
"Hey, it's alright-"
"No! You don't understand. You don't know what it feels like to loose a child! You don't know what it feels like to have so much pain afflicted from just looking at the person you love!"
"You should turn back."
"No it's not an option. You know that! You know everything!"

He sighs out loud.
"Fine. I'll send you to Midgard and keep an eye on you. If anything happens you will be sent back."
"Thank you."
I say through my tears.

He turns the sword and the portal opens. There's no backing out now. I close my eyes and feel my body being sent through the space. This didn't feel like an ending. No. This felt like a new beginning.