Love Me Anyways

Chapter Fifteen

Do you ever wonder what it feels like to be dead? For some reason, I think about that more than I should. It’s really not healthy for me to think this way, but it’s not easy to control. For a few years, I felt like nothing really mattered in life, and I felt empty and numb. Now I know that things, people, matter in life, but the empty numb feeling comes back every now and then.

My body jumps when a hand is laid on top of my own, I look up to see Raya’s beautiful face. “Are you okay? You were spacing out,” Raya softly enunciates. I nod my head, “It’s fine, I’m fine.” Raya squeezes my hand, “I know you’re not fine.”

I don’t even know how she can read me like this, nobody ever has been as good as her. Raya pulls our intertwined hands up to her face, and kisses my hand. I lean onto her as we sit on the couch, we’re the only ones home for the day. I’m thankful to be alone with Raya for the day, because school starts next week and I like alone time with her. 

“Raya, I love you. There are things that I want to say and tell you, but I just can’t find the perfect words to use,” I whisper. Raya slightly blushes before speaking. “How about I try and find the perfect words? It’ll give you time to come up with yours,” Raya suggests. I nod my head in response, I’m honestly curious in what she has to say.

“I love you so much Jay, I love the good and the bad. I want to know everything about you, the good and the bad, along with everything in between. I love your sad story eyes, but I love the look in your eyes when you feel happy and free even more. I love the way you set me free just by looking my way, and the way my stomach twists in so many wonderful ways when you touch me. I love how my heart slows putting me in a calm state of mind when we cuddle, and the way it speeds up when our lips touch. Jayla I love you, and everything that you are and will become, nothing will ever change the way I feel for you,” Raya enunciates, she’s so calm and clear when she speaks. It’s as if she’d written this down a thousand times before speaking.

I feel a warm liquid crawl down my face, nobody has ever said something like that to me. I’ve never felt this loved and cared about, I’m left speechless.

Raya wipes my tears with her thumbs, I lean in closer so that our foreheads touch. “Raya- I don’t know what to say, or how to say it,” I whisper. Raya pulls away so that we can see each other better, “It’s okay, I get it, I know you love me more than words can actually say. I also know that sometimes you feel undescriable feelings that have no defination,” Raya responds.

Jesus christ this girl knows me better than I thought. “You took the words right out of my mouth, I love you so much Ray,” I pull her into a hug.

My mental health gets so much better when I’m near her, she can make me feel things that nobody else can. She makes me feel the warmth in this ice cold life, she makes me see the candle light in this forever darkened universe. Raya makes me feel happy, safe, warm, and most of all she lets me know that she loves me; and that’s one of the best feelings that I’ve ever felt. I just wish I could get my voice to tell her every emotion she allows me to feel, but I can’t.

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It’s late in the night right now, I’m cuddled up in Raya’s arms. I love it when she holds me like this. I can’t stop thinking about the things that Raya had said to me earlier, but I also can’t stop thinking about food, I’m actually starving at this moment in time.

“Raya,” I softly whisper. “Yeah Jay? Wait let me guess, you want food, right?” Raya remarks. I’m stunned by how well she knows me at this point, I’m convinced that she can read my mind. “How did you know?” I softley chuckle. “You always want food, and let me guess, you want Burger King,” Raya knows me all too well. 

I shoot Raya a devilish smirk and pull her out of bed with me. Raya throws me one of her old rugby hoodies along with adidas track pants to wear. She puts on a similar outfit, but instead wearing one of my hoodies that she basically stole from me.

I can’t believe it even fits her, we’re two completely different sizes. I guess I buy them big in hope that I’ll grow, but still. She’s wearing one of my rugby hoodies from last year, it has Deegans last name on the back of it, and the number two for my position.

Raya grabs the keys to her scooter along with our helmets, and we head out the door around two in the morning, just to get Burger King. Raya and I climb onto her scooter, my arms relax around her torso as she starts the scooter up. I’m glad that Raya is aloud to drive again, I missed our scooter rides together.

As we drive the crisp night time wind feels like a winter morning chill. Having my body pressed against Rayas back sends butterflies through my entire body, but I feel them the strongest in my stomach. I don’t think this heart stopping feeling of being in close contact with her will ever get old.

Raya pulls her scooter into the Burger King parking lot, there’s only two other vehicles her. Both of which I’m assuming belong to the employees on the night shift.

We enter the restaurant, a young man that looks to be our age waits behind the counter, he’s wearing a Burger King uniform. Raya and I both order a chocolate milkshake, fries, and I order a burger. We obtain our food and make our way to a booth. 

Raya and I sit side by side instead of across from each other, I like it better that way. As we sip on our milkshakes, Raya intertwines my fingers with hers, I don’t even jump or react negatively this time; I finally feel totally safe and comfortable around Raya.

“Open up,” Raya pulls me out of my daydream as she feeds me one of her fries. I take half of a fry from Raya’s mouth with a kiss, one of her soft giggles fills my ears. 

“You’re so fucking cute Ray,” I smile as I steal a quick kiss from her. Raya slides her arm around me and pulled me closer to her, I tense up a tiny bit, but not as badly as I used to. We feed each other fries for a little while more before we decide it’s time to go back home.

Once we’re home it’s around three thirty in the morning, to be honest I’m exhausted. I think Raya feels just as tired as me, because she’s half asleep and dragging me into the bed with her.

Now that we’re in bed, Raya has pulled me into a warm hug that she refuses to let me out of. Almost instantly I fall into a comfortable, deep sleep.